The Fall

For 6 months Christian and I shared a blossoming love that felt perfect. It wasn't, but it felt that way. There were days when I wouldn't hear from him at all and it hurt me deeply that he wasn't around that I began talking to guys I had been in "friendlationships" with all over again. So after long days at work I wanted to pour my heart out with all that was going and get emotional support from the one I was loving but I came to realize that there was still much absence in talking to someone through a machine than actually having them right there next to me.

Finally, when we were able to share ourselves with each other through conversation it seemed as though I was the one doing most of the sharing and he was the one doing most of the listening. It was starting to become more apparent that my boyfriend behind the blue screen wasn't that real. He said all the right things and adored me in the same way I adored him but I still knew little about him besides his baggage of a divorce, two kids from a baby mama whom he paid child support to. I was starting to wonder, Where would I fit in? And just like my first relationship with Trey who had also had a child, I felt like I was just a section of another man's life where it seemed I would be compartmentalized into a specific area that would never be apart of the whole. And so my perfect blue computer screen boyfriend had some cracks in him. He wasn't perfect, the more and more I would start to see him for what he was, than what I hoped he was. I still had few doubts that he wasn't going to be my husband as my mind would constantly slip up and call him that while daydreaming. I can't wait til my husband gets back from overseas, ooops, I mean boyfriend. I had undoubtedly thought it was sign of our longevity together and how inevitable it would be for us to be together. 

While loving Christian, I also began to love something else, my ever-growing spiritual consciousness.  I loved learning more about the wonders of the world and trying to solve the mysteries of it. I knew that I had a purpose that everyone on Earth has that went beyond loving one person into impacting the world in a positive way.  So in Christian's ever-growing absence with being more "busy with work" and "the internet going out", I found new ways to replace the silence of his absence with something else. Myself. 

While randomly internet surfing on facebook, I would lose myself through countless Facebook posts that reminded me of a big world that went beyond Chris. I felt in a way I was losing his time, not him and because the same thing kept occurring in relationships-- this constant battle to keep a man I was losing I turned further within to my spiritual gifts and what greater powers I have within to try to change things.  The more I searched for the answers to unlocking my full potential to change the cards life was dealing me in my love life I would find a greater consciousness of myself and the universe. I developed a greater respect for destiny, the power of positive thinking, connecting psychically with others, being more one with God and the fact that He does live inside us and I became more happy in the process. During this search, this quest for marrying my physical self with my spiritual self I found a new friend who would become my mentor for life, Ethan.

Ethan I met through a Facebook friend. He was close in age to my parents and I saw him as a mentor.  Daily I tapped into my new friend's knowledge of the spiritual world. We talked about healing and Reiki principles, the several dimensions we must travel through before meeting God again and how life should be dedicated to service to others, not service to self.  And through all of these ideals I won myself, I was in charge of myself and having God inside of me just further empowered me that truly anything we want for ourselves and for others we can get through using our positive energy and pushing it in the direction of achieving our wildest dreams.

I began to talk to Chris about this new friend. I wanted to Chris to know about my newfound spirituality and about unlocking secrets of the Universe!! But he was more concerned about my growing relationship with Ethan who lived three thousand miles away.  I instantly noticed Chris retreating more inwards and growing more and more silent. He had expressed his concern and it ceased somewhat when I mentioned Ethan lived three thousand miles away.  I had noticed a month later into Ethan and I's friendship that consisted of facebook chats daily and answers to my question about the world, energy, Tesla and how to solve the world's problems, Chris and I's conversation was starting to become dull. Chris didn't relate to my growing spirituality. He didn't get it. He was never really religious to begin with and was more conventional than anything else when it came to his views about God. We were starting to grow apart. Just the mention of another man's name, I should have cringed but I didn't. I was being naive in thinking that another man wouldn't be threatened by another man talking to his woman.  I didn't realize that I'd made Ethan sound like my hero because of all the new things he taught me. He was my spiritual mentor but Chris was becoming a love of my life whom I wanted to keep.  He didn't understand my views on spirituality and it scared him.

Two weeks later, Chris had disappeared.  We hadn't had our midnight Yahoo Messenger talk sessions for a consecutive fourteen days. I had noticed before then that our Skype sessions had been growing more and more inconsistent due to "the internet going out" and " a bad internet connection". I couldn't tell when he was lying or being honest. Chris didn't disappear momentarily he had disappeared for 5 weeks straight. But I still wasn't convinced things were over between he and I. I loved him. And I had figured it out in his absence that he wasn't just someone behind a computer screen whose face and smile I liked. I loved him. And, I had lost him. I just didn't know it yet....