He Love Me

It was Monday. I had let go of Carlyle mentally again. It felt like we were playing an emotional catch and release. He would grab ahold of my heart so tight in the intense moments we would share and then disappear all over again for days at a time without word from him. Regardless of the silence, I could still feel him thinking about me and missing me too. The silence was too loud to for him not to for two people who are typically by themselves. He is without a doubt my companion. I thought. And just as the silence started to get louder and my mind was starting to drift to some far off place without him the phone rang.

Shaking my head, I thought to myself, Carlyle?? Again?? How is it that everytime I'm letting go he's reaching back? But that was our reality. It still is.

"Camille, so I was thinking about you and training. How we never got you onstage and how you left me hanging. I already told you what I think about you and your body and I just think you should accept you the way you are and stop trying to look like something you aren't. You are not a ballet dancer and you will never have that kind of a body. I want you to just go with what you have. The minute you accept that, the minute you will do great things and compete and win trophies if you just accept who you really are first. You have the body, but I want you to have the mind too. The peace of mind with your body as it is."

Lord, this man was again, saying the most right things after I had a night of tossing and turning over all the things that have been incomplete in my life, Carlyle just threw me into a completion mode for one of them. He was empowering me after I left him hanging and then volunteered to help me for free...again.  He must love me. I thought. Why else would he be offering to help me again after a long weekend of helping someone else?  I knew he had been listening to the pain in my voice everytime I would talk to him about my dreams and goals and here he was trying to help me. I almost stopped breathing. It was like the wish I requested about going back in time and rewriting history he was doing for me now. I took him up on his offer and could only wait and see how things would turn out this time with he and I, as a team, who loved each other.

In Love

After Carlyle and I spent the night together dancing and smoking weed, it felt like the prom I never had.  The way we undressed each other and made love after. I couldn't stop thinking about him and apparently he couldn't stop thinking about me either.  He called me the next day and asked if I wanted to go on a road trip with him. We had both been dreaming about doing the same activity again together as the memory of the first time was so picturesque, enjoyable and had left a positive imprint on the both of us of the way things were the first time around. This time, he wanted to go down south to drive the car my father had just sold to him.  We talked about the past and how we had disappointed the other in greater detail than I had ever imagined existed in his head.  I didn't realize how intesely I had hurt him.  Apparently, when Carlyle was coaching me through a project I had asked for his help with I had left him hanging when I was about to present it. Carlyle had taken out time daily for a couple of weeks to help me and mentor me. He did it for free because it was his word that he had promised to help.  Meanwhile, I was struggling financially and did not have enough funds to finish out the project. So after feeling like a failure, I just let his and I's hard work go to waste and disappeared. I didn't remember that, but on this night when Carlyle and I were chatting on the phone, I heard it in his voice that he was still distressed by all of it. After the conversation had ended I sent him a text of what my project looked like now and how I was sorry and wished "I could go back in time and rewrite history so that things turned out the way we both had anticipated. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." 

We talked briefly the next day, but it was just for him to say that we weren't able to go on the road trip because the car wasn't ready to drive for the long distance. It was the last chance I had to see him for the week as he was headed out of town for the weekend. I was dying to get more time with him and as the days went by slowly and texts back and forth of when he was available sent by me, I relieved myself and just expected not to see him as Friday approached.

I was laying on my pillow, life seemed to be going as slow as molasses. I just indulged and accepted it while I dreamt of my lover in a different city and state driving to his next destination. I wanted to send him another text but felt it was too much for someone apprehensive about falling in deep with me. I continued to dream about what he was doing and got the inkling that he would call me...soon.

"Rrrrrinnnng!!!"
Just like clockwork, it was Carlyle.

"Camille!!"
"Hello sweetheart, what's up?" A smile escaped past my lips for predicting this future.

"Camille, I went and saw my family and my mom and my brother and sisters and I had the best time!! And I got an important call from a TV station that wants to advertise my invention!! I have just had the greatest day!! I got everything that I wanted to get done accomplished and gave my mother money and she even said 'Aww son, you must love me.' "

He sounded so happy. I wanted to be right there next to him enjoying him and his happiness. I was joyous for him and I wished I could kiss him. Because in this force of nature of him calling me right when I had felt it was reinforcing my love for him and its growth there forward.

Hearing Carlyle so happy made me happy. He continued to talk on and on about how he had been working towards this for the last several years and had been discouraged. We continued to share how our day went and what our plans were. The high that Carlyle gave me from that phone call lasted for the rest of the weekend. I didn't hear from him again until the following Monday. That would be a call that I would never forget.

To be True Part 4

The next day came by quickly. I kept on reliving the Beauty and the Beast kiss Carlyle had given me that was picture perfect. I had to call him and tell him what was on my mind as all the drama and confusion was taking me over.
I texted Carlyle that we needed to talk. He called me back while driving and seemed to be preoccupied and stuck in traffic. I sensed impatience and his abrasiveness over the phone and decided to let him go and call back later. No matter when I would call or text or try to tell this dude something important it never seemed as if it were the right time. Unbelievable! I thought. When is it ever the right time to tell this dude how I feel?

Seven hours later, he called me back. I had been replaying over and over in my head what I wanted to say.

After much rehearsal, I blurted it out after he picked up the phone.

"You know Carlyle. I'm still feeling really weird about what happened at the gym. I feel like you disrespected me."

"Camille, what? Disrespected you. I told you that that lady was a long-time friend."

"But you asked for her number in front of me. What do you need her number for if she is a long-time friend?"

"What are you trying to say? You think I need her number to hang out with her and have sex and sleep with her?"

"Well, why did you need her number then?"

"Look Camille, I have lots and lots of female friends and numbers of friends who I never use. I like to talk and catch up with people. And if this is how you're reacting then you must not be able to hang around my friends cuz you know me and you know how i talk to people!"

"Oh ok. Well I'm telling you this because this is how I felt when you did that to me. I felt, not I thought-- i felt wronged when you asked for that lady's number in front of me. Thats how it felt. And you know in the last 6 months of us dealing with each other I have not had one complaint with you. We give each other space and I like that but this is one time where that whole situation did not feel right to me and I don't ever want to feel that way again as it did hurt me."

"Camille, I'm not trying to argue with you tonight. I just came in from a long day out dealing with other people and helping them with their things."

"Yes, I understand that, but had things been the other way around and you felt I disrespected you, I would RE-CEEIVE you. You hear me? I would RE-CEIVE you and hear you out. Thats all."

"Ok Camille, well on second thought, I don't think we can be in a relationship. Right now, I have alot going on and its not you, its my business stuff and I'm not in a place to give to you the way you are. I'm not where I want to be financially and I'm not comfortable with that."

"Ok Carlyle. I understand." I did understand. I was kind of in the same place financially. I just didn't use it as an excuse to not commit to him. That was the difference between me and him. I was willing to give and he wasnt.

For the following week and a half, I didnt call or text Carlyle. I was still upset and I was set on leaving him behind as I was starting to feel "in the red" on giving him my love.  Like I had overspent on something that I had never afforded and it needed to be returned. So the silence between us continued.  Instead...he called me the next day.

To Be True Pt. 3

I grabbed my things the next morning and left with making us breakfast and no words. He had to still stop by my house that day to try to buy one of our vehicles. It was paining me to still have to deal with him after the whole incident yesterday that my mind was still not registering.

I hopped in my car and drove down to my house. I tried to make the best of the situation as if it didn't happen because I STILL had to deal with him when other times and with other men who did me dirty, I was able to run. But there he was, having to come over to my house on this day. The day after he screwed me over. And there I was, being pulled back into him and his life everytime I tried to run.

"Is your friend coming over to view the cars?"

"Yes, Mum."

"Are you going to wear that?!!"

"Ugh, huh-- he's seen me in worse outfits than this before. Its not a big deal."
Part of me wanted to get dressed just to do it for the love of me. Because I knew I was beautiful and my pain made me more beautiful as it made me stronger. So I took a shower and got dressed and did my hair and decided on wearing a red tube-top dress.

Carlyle made it to the house an hour later. I had missed his call or text from taking a nap. I got up and went out the driveway where my estranged philandering father and Carlyle stood next to each other almost as if they were both strangely connected. I came out of the house and Carlyle's eyes caught mine and my outfit, seemingly amazed at my transformation from street clothes into much nicer threads. He was trying to jump start my brother's car with his own that he'd drove.  He was still in the same clothes I had seen him in before. Apparently, he had just left the gym. No surprises there, I thought. Almost beginning to relive yesterday but feeling too beautiful and too worthy of so much more that my mind wouldn't let me go there again.

Carlyle and my father talked for a while and negotiated until finally agreeing on a price for the beaten and battered SUV my brother had almost driven to the wheels fell off. My father decided not to sell the luxury vehicle he had just gotten serviced that was a gift to my mother years ago before he ever imagined leaving her for one of his mistresses. He drove off the driveway after trying to compliment me and talk to me about how life was going. I gave him the cold shoulder and was beginning feel exhausted by the amount of emotional trauma my little body was feeling from the men that were closest to me in my life. I turned and walked inside as my father drove offthe driveway. I hated calling him that, Father, and resorted to calling him by his first name when he wasn't around or nothing at all to his face. I no longer wanted to be connected. Meanwhile, Carlyle noticed and reiterated that regardless of what my father had done, he is still your father Camille." I gave him a look that almost pierced him. How dare he give me advice about someone else's wrongdoings when he couldn't admit to his own in front of me!

I knew that sometime in the very near future, he was going to get a piece of me. But this time, I continued to give to him. I knew that my kindness after his betrayal would impact him more than any vengeance I had for him. So Carlyle and I would go out to dinner. I was taking him. I pitied him and the car he had just bought that was falling apart and his inflated ego that caused him to screw me over in front of my face. Instead of justifying any of it with vengeance, I took him out to dinner and had him try on my father's clothes (that he was never coming back for) so that we could go out to dinner together.

"Carlyle, try this on. This seems very much like something you'd wear."
I was enjoying dressing him and the moment of doing so was really camouflaging the pain that he had given me that was still so fresh and raw. It was astounding to me how much love I still had for him after he'd really sliced my heart open.

He looked at the clothes and really wanted the lights on, but I knew if I turned the lights on everyone in the neighborhood would see that a grown man was in my bedroom.

"I'm not one to get dressed in the dark. Can't we turn on a light?"

"Yeah, there's a bathroom right behind you. You can see yourself in that mirror."


After him looking at the clothes as though he would take them and I could see that no one had ever done this before, given him new clothes randomly that just happened to fit that he would never have to return.  He was more silent than usual. I wondered what he was thinking. I knew what I was thinking. Wow, he did that to me and here I am giving to him and I'm feeling more okay than I ever imagined in a situation like this.
The control I felt over myself and my feelings was not making sense. Every other normal person would have run from Carlyle and slashed his tires or lashed out in some kind of way, but here I was giving to him like it was Christmas.

Carlyle changed out of his gym clothes and into the new ones I gave him. We got in the car shortly after and headed out to dinner. Once we arrived, the wait time was a little bit over an hour. Carlyle and I walked down through the courtyard where fountains spouted that kids were running through getting soaked. Carlyle and I sat and people watched. I was more silent and reserved than usual and let him do the talking about work, about money and about things he wanted to change for himself financially. It seemed thats all he really cared about. I wished he would care about the things he already had. Like me.

We were seated in thirty minutes instead of an hour and our orders were taken. I wasn't eating much as I had my own financial struggles and wasn't that hungry. So I watched Carlyle eat like a king and enjoy himself as I enjoyed a couple bread rolls.

The silence with him sitting across from me was becoming deafening. He was really enjoying his ribs and fries and coleslaw. I looked around me at all the other people on dates, with their families, with their children or in a booth sitting next to their husbands or sitting across from their estranged lover. I felt awkward as I dangled my feet from the booth seat and cautiously pulled up my tube top dress and strapless bra underneath. The waiter had been eyeing me and other waiters could not look me in the face when telling us the specials. I felt beautiful and I wondered if Carlyle thought it as he wasn't big on compliments.

The check came and I paid. I wanted to treat Carlyle one last time before I disappeared from his life and make one last good memory. We got in my car and headed back to my house for Carlyle to pick up his car. He grew tired very quickly and had gotten the "-itis". I rolled up into the driveway and Carlyle got out of the car before I parked it in the garage. I got out and met him outside of the garage. He came towards me and held me in the small of my back as my back arched while in his embrace. My hands had slipped underneath his arms towards his back and we held each other for as long as the other would allow. Seconds later, we looked at each other and he pressed his lips to mine with intention. It was so tender and soft that it was his 'thank you' kiss to me. It confused me how someone who could ask for another female's number in front of me was then kissing me like we were Beauty and the Beast in front of my house under the driveway lights. Carlyle was some kind of enigma. I loved him but I loved me more to just let things be and go on in silence with him thinking everything was okay when it wasn't.

To Be True pt. 2

I was invisible as we walked to the counter where Carlyle continued to saunter and make light conversation with the gym administrators behind the desk, while still staring at the girl in the neon pink top. It was as if I wasn't there. I was right behind him. For a second, I was sure he forgot I existed. As we walked out, I couldn't let myself be a victim to anyone again so I put together the questions I needed to ask in my head that I would ask him in the next sixty seconds. We walked out to the parking lot and Carlyle talked about things that didn't matter because I can't remember what he said.

"So were there any new clients you found in the gym?" I made my first attempt at a sound explanation.

"Naw, no one in there. Well maybe this one guy."

"Oh yeah. Well, what about that girl you were talking to?"

"Aww, Camille, that's just a long time friend I've had. She's getting ready for a marathon."

"Oh okay." My voice trailed. My body and mind were getting ready to shut down as at that point I didn't really exist anyway.

I knew what was going on and I couldn't get over how Carlyle was acting like my first boyfriend Trey who was notorious for doing shit like that in front of other people's faces. I resigned to silence for the rest of the night and contemplated getting in my car to go home, but only knew that if I did, I would only be hurting more, not less, because of how shitty the situation was that happened to me.  The reality was too strong that I couldn't handle what had happened mentally. We drove back to his house in mostly silence with Carlyle saying shit I can't remember. It didn't matter. I just nodded my head numbly taking the whole situation in. Here I was, me, Camille, the one who had been "nurturing the level of intimacy" he and I had achieved. And there he was wrecking it in front of my face like I didn't exist. We arrived at the house and Carlyle was being non-chalant. He went outside to wash his car and I came out minutes later just to be around happy spirits and playful children.  They picked weeds and blew them in my face, showed me flowers I never knew existed and breathed life into me once again with their innocent ways. And thats why I saw why people had kids in the first place. Carlyle sprayed water on them as he continued to wash his car and then play with the kids, then wash his car again. I didn't understand why he was numb to what he just did, and then it dawned on me that he was blocking out the feeling of what he just did to me and the only way to do that was to pretend like it didn't happen.

I was still silent. After Carlyle continued to play with the children for 15 - 20 more minutes, I went inside to take a long shower.  After getting dressed, Carlyle came inside and took a shower too, while he had me look up movie times. As soon as he was done getting dressed, we headed to the theatre where things mysteriously normalized somewhat. I sat next to him coldly, watching the movie as though it were my therapy from what I had just endured. I left the theatre to get some snacks. Carlyle had brought his dinner with him and had offered me none. When I came back he asked for a sip of my soda as I plopped chicken tenders I had just bought in my mouth as though it were a cure-all of all my pain. I walked out of the theatre again after searching for change in my purse to purchase another drink for Carlyle this time. He didn't deserve anything from me, but I got that drink for him anyway. I knew that he felt guilty about what he'd done, I could feel it sitting next to him and as humbly he said "thank you" for the drink. I knew it was the beginning of him being humbled by my kindness after his weakness of following his ego in front of me with getting another girl's number. He could feel my hurt because of how strong the spiritual connection between us had grown. For me, that wasn't enough. My silence could never fully justify my pain. So as the movie ended and we came back to his house, I laid in bed on my side, with my back turned away from him, never touching him as he laid on his side doing the same. He had lost me.

To Be True pt .1

I was doing my hair. I was excited in the moment at the rush of new opportunities that were headed my way. I had an interview. It was a beautiful Friday afternoon and the sun was shining through my bathroom inviting me to come out and bask in it. At that moment, I thought, "What if Carlyle texted me right now and wanted to hang out?" Naaahhh. Not even two seconds later, he texted. He asked me what I was doing and we made plans to meet up after my interview. Now of course, who wouldn't think this is too good to be true? I think after manifesting that moment in my head, I cancelled it out in the same second by thinking that very thought. Too good to be true. So I rushed and gathered my things at the thought of the sudden new plans and adventure for after my interview. I imagined us going to the National Harbor or outside to a park the way we used to do. So in my excitement, I brushed on make-up, eyeliner, mascara, blush and lip gloss and made myself the most beautiful i had been in years. After all, it had been years since I did all that and put on a dress with 50 dollar heels. I looked like a woman. I was proud of it.

Hopping in the car with an hour to get to my interview, I was somehow still late. I got in the car and started driving to an area I called "Timbuktu" because the drive was so ridiculously out of my way. I thought of Carlyle and how I was supposed to be using these next couple weeks to think about what I sincerely wanted from him. And each time I thought I had moments of silence, a day or two, there he was calling me again as if he could feel me pulling away. His senses were always spot on. It was ridiculous. I had stalemated myself with what I wanted. On one hand I liked things the way they were because it involved little risk. We were living for the day, not for the future. And then, the other part of me that had seen my brother and sister get married to their loved ones and start families-- they all just seemed so happy with the stability they created with each other despite the infidelities or unplanned pregnancies. And as I drove, I thought deeper and deeper about what I really wanted. Truth was, I knew, I wanted to get married sometime before thirty, or a little after, God willing.

And as soon as I had ventured deep into daydreams and wishes, I had arrived at my interview. My make up was still in place and the black and white dress I wore was still as presentable as it was when I first tried it on. I walked in the building and was greeted cordially as the secretary planted me in the lobby until the CEO came to interview me.

This was my first interview in a year and I didn't know what to expect. I was excited about the position as it was a fitness and a writing position for health, nutrition and fitness for kids. It was right up my alley as I had been a substitute teacher, nanny, personal trainer and now possibly a journalist.

I had two interviews and talked with my hands about all the random but rich experiences I had had within each craft of teaching, dealing with kids and having a minor in English. I saw myself as capable of so much and had realized through talking about all of my experience that perhaps I had been selling myself short. By the end of the interview, the CEO seemed to really like me for their project and for the position they were carving out specifically for me. I was ready to dive right in until I saw how much mileage I would be spending in gas and how much they were willing to pay me per hour. I started to see that I would still be struggling. I wasn't sold on them yet.

So, while driving down to Carlyle's I continued to dream about what I wanted to really really do with my career next as I had so many passions in working with kids, mentoring, etc. My mind went wild.

Upon arrival to Carlyle's I still felt beautiful in my dress and make up that he had never seen me in before. I walked in and he was running around his house still getting his things situated from just making it in from business.

"How did the interview go?" He stared at me for longer than a second, asking me intently as though he noticed how beautiful I was when I actually tried.

"It went well, really well. They are considering me for two different positions."
I said as I began to unzip my dress and take off my shoes. I headed to the bathroom to wash off my foundation but kept my eye liner and mascara on. I looked in the mirror for a moment and saw how gorgeous I actually looked even after washing my face of most of the make up. I changed into my gym clothes as Carlyle yelled to me that we were headed to the gym.

Pulling out my food and making tuna salad with cucumbers Carlyle came behind me. He hugged me and smelled my neck at the same time.

"You know, you have the can opener on backwards?" He whispered in my ear. As he pulled the can opener out of my tuna can while his one hand embraced my waist and his head was tucked right behind my head. If music was on we would have been dancing and swaying together. He always had a way of bringing his body into my space and never letting me forget how good he felt behind or beside me.

"Camille, hurry up eat that. We gotta go to the gym before it gets late."

He left my side and headed back to his room to pack up his things in his gym bag. I quickly ate my cucumbers and tuna but carried the rest out to the car and ate it on the drive over. It had been a long time since Carlyle and I had gone to the gym together. It almost felt like the first time all over again.

When we walked in, I went over to the squat rack and did my thing, while Carlyle worked on his back. We always seemed to give each other more than enough space. I could see him watching me from my peripheral vision and I was watching him. I was really getting into my zone when three different men at three different times stopped me to tell me I "looked "or to "Don't hurt nobody, Ma!!" I shook my head while blushing. This gym had more love than any other one I had been to lately out where I lived. I wondered if Carlyle noticed.
After an hour of working on my legs, I went downstairs to do cardio on the machines. Carlyle later came down to finish his up too and we gathered our things to walk out of the gym together when he told me to hold on. I had noticed this girl in a neon pink top that had caught my eye doing cardio just by how bright her top was. Carlyle walked over to her. He had taken a piece of paper out of his pocket and a pencil. It looked as though they were exchanging numbers.

My instincts alarmed inside of me as my world stopped and his kept going with each word he uttered to this female. I looked on from across the room. A guy that was talking to me before, looked in my direction and saw the color drain out of my face. He looked in the same direction too and I could see and feel that he also saw what was going on. My heart broke and my universe as I knew it stopped and went into slow motion. I was in some kind of shock where reality was too hard to deal with but I knew every male around me saw my heart break in that gym, at that moment. My eyes told a story of surprise, disappointment and an overwhelming silence came over me that I was sure everyone nearby heard.

Carlyle walked back towards me, staring at the ground, not ever looking up at my face. I knew that whatever my worst nightmare in that moment was, it happened....right in front of my face.

The Next Level pt. 3

Carlyle had paused for at least 6 long seconds.

"You know Camille, let me think real hard about that one."

"Oh-okay." I said very meekly, not knowing what to expect next.

"Well, do you know when you'll know?"

"Well, I definitely won't know by the end of today." He said almost sarcastically.

"Of course, but perhaps in a couple of weeks?" I pressed.

"Yeah, yeah, I should know by then. There's a few things that are happening in between now and then that I'm sorting out that I would rather not go into detail about. So don't ask."

If I had wanted to say anything after that, Carlyle had already shut me down.

I rolled out of his driveway solemnly. I didn't understand why someone wouldn't jump at the thought of wanting to be with me, to have me...fully.  I had given so much with my tender heart and gentle ways. I had done so intentionally so he could really feel the real me. The best of me. I didn't understand why to him, I wasn't the best give he could have at this point. I'd shown him all the love that he could have with me. I thought that was the greatest prize that we could give each other.

As I drove home somewhat distressed and relieved for at least having the strength to ask what I needed to know, deserved to know, I called my friend Peter whom I debriefed the whole situation to earlier that week.

I loved my friend Peter. He gave me love that I then gave to people who were less open to giving it. And with every conversation he instilled in me, a love for me as I am without much effort of having to show him myself. He just saw and admired my beauty-- and would then tell me in the most sincere way as though he were breathing for me.

"So what's going on Camille? Did you finally clear up that situation with Carlyle and are you two on the same page now?"

"Well, I'm not sure if we are on the same page, but I did finally ask him if he was 'my man'."

"Lord, men hate that question." Peter chuckled lovingly in a charming kind of way where he already forgave me the question and loved me more for my "authenticity". In another life, we had already been each other's lovers so easily that we both needed to be challenged by the ones who we were presently dealing with.

"Camille, you don't seem like you're even madly in love with this dude. What do YOU really want? And be honest with yourself. Don't think about the shoulds. If you like what you two have going on then enjoy what it is for what it is. Don't make anything out of it that you think needs to be if everything is fine the way they are. Think about it. What does Camille really want?"

"Camille, you know what I already think of you. I think you deserve the world and much more. You still have the same eyes that I remember, when we first met, that see the whole world. You are so beautiful Lady Camille."

Peter always had a way of re-centering me, filling up my bucket when I thought I lost love. And there he was pouring more into me.

I continued to think about what he said and how he elaborated on why men hated that question because it adds pressure to them. I reviewed Carlyle's current situation and how he must have felt when I asked him that. I empathized with him and tried on his shoes as I had done many times before but never actualized it.

There he was, busy as ever, concentrating on making money, surviving, trying to be support for everyone and everybody who's lives he knew he was impacting. Trying to do right by them. He was becoming busier and busier in front of my eyes to the point that people were coming over to his house and he'd forgotten he'd made the appointment. His plate was full and I had just asked him, Hey there, please add me onto your plate even though you have little room. I felt everytime to talk to him about my feelings was the wrong time and I wanted so badly to be a top priority of his because of how valuable I felt around him. How I eased his stresses like I could feel each time we were intimate physically and emotionally like I was drawing out all of the kinks out his body and his life where things were starting to make sense and feel good as they were.  And despite his financial struggles, he was starting to feel richer with me next to him.

I decided to call Carlyle after I made it home, talking to Peter on the phone the whole drive back. I sorted things out in my head and gained clarity from another man's point of view. I felt in control and not as helpless and powerless as before. Peter empowered me. Made me believe that I could still have what I wanted as long as I thoroughly thought if it was what I really wanted.  After empathizing for Carlyle, I started to dial his digits again, understanding that he was already under alot of pressure.

"Carlyle, I'm sorry for asking you my question in that way. I didn't mean to apply more pressure to you when I know you are getting really busy with other things."
"I'm sorry. I don't want to add more stress to your life. And...I want you to know that I'm committed to nurturing the level of intimacy we already have."

The words flowed so freely and naturally out of my mouth that his response was vibrant.

"Oh yes of course Camille! All is well. I will definitely get back to you on all that. I just need to figure out some things first. But, I WILL get back to you."

I felt like we were on the same page again. And that Carlyle was determined to do me right. So I decided to chill out and let things be as they were. In that time, I decided to lay low and really think about what I wanted, what I needed and what I could live with.

Carlyle disappeared for only a couple of days. And it always seemed as though whenever I was pulling away, he'd be right there blocking me from leaving as if he knew what I was thinking all along.

The Next Level pt. 2

After we both slept soundly. I awakened to Carlyle's hands in my lady parts. This man could please me with his hands alone, no other body parts necessary.  It was a skill that no other man I had been with had had. I loved that about him among so many other things that just further drew me to him.

We tugged and pulled at each other and I saw him. Really saw him with his eyes closed just touching me. He wanted to have me again. It was written on his face. It was still dark outside and I could tell I was becoming a drug Carlyle couldn't keep his hands off of as he continued to fondle me. We tumbled on top of each other, rolling in the sheets until I was on top and then he on top of me. We had great sex that I could barely remember. I was still feeling guarded and I didn't fully let myself go in the moment with him.

We were supposed to go out together the day before and it never happened, but he also didn't tell me we couldn't go out until the last moment. I felt like his last priority and perhaps not a priority at all. I was starting to feel like Carlyle's footnote.

We got dressed and he made breakfast. I felt so sick to my stomach from all the drinks I had that my stomach churned. I saw my reflection in the mirror and noticed how emaciated my body was starting to look. I had become a vegan, in fear that it would become toxic in my body and lead to further inflammation that I'd experienced for years. After pulling it out of my diet, my skin had tightened and glowed but I was becoming noticeably thinner. My breasts were less full, less perky. My behind was becoming less voluptuous and rounded and the sweater I wore that morning, at breakfast, didn't fill out the way it used to. My arms dangled in it and I could feel the elastic waistband in my sweatpants hugging themselves into me begging to stay on.

That morning, Carlyle made me the biggest helping of breakfast I'd had in a very long time. It was almost as if he could see I needed food. Truth be told, I was stressed from him. I was letting it eat away at my mind that after I had given all of me the last time we had sex a couple weeks ago that he'd taken off with 'my all' and treat me as a 'hit and run'. My appetite had lessened for the week and I was still working out on next to nothing just to keep the stress at bay.

He placed a big pile of oatmeal showered with cinnamon and 5 scrambled eggs with a side of Banana Nut Bread. I made it two thirds through eating it before I had to stop.

Carlyle looked at me staring at the food.
"Camille, what's wrong?"

He seemed legitimately concerned.

"Oh, nothing, I just don't think I can eat this much. My stomach is saying  'no'."

"And, I was going to give you even more than that." He said with a smile.

"Give it to me. I will eat it for you."

He almost said that last part suggestively. I couldn't help but blush as he ate the rest of my food remembering how he had devoured my body earlier.

I smiled at the thought of how he was nourishing me and nurturing me. I wanted to press pause on the moment because in that instance, I felt Carlyle's tender ways and care for me ran deep. Deeper than his words would ever detail.

We both finished up and put away the dishes, gathered our things to head towards the door. My mind ran over everything I had asked him, all of our dialogue together but I felt more still needed to be said.

I had initially come over to his house, damn near invited myself over after our plans to go to the park fell through, just so I could ask him if he could be mine. And here we were, walking out of his house, about to get into separate cars.

We hugged and he quickly kissed me on the lips the way we always did before parting. I stopped myself as I felt time was quickly slipping away. If I didn't ask him what we were doing, when would I ever know?

I got into my car and sat there for a minute. Carlyle was behind me, parked in the side of his curb. I, in his driveway. I pulled out my phone and decided to dial his number.

The phone rang two times before he answered it.

"Yes, Camille?"

"I know I brought this up last night a few times already, but I want to ask you again. Are.You. My. Man?"

He paused, speechless. Time was not on my side as he took a while to respond to a question I felt he already should have jumped to answer "YES!" to.

But, he didn't.

The Next Level

Carlyle called me on that following Wednesday. The Wednesday after I'd finally let go of myself with him. I couldn't forget it.

"Hey Camille, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I wanted to talk to you. I tried calling you on Sunday and I had texted you over the weekend. You never responded."

"Oh Camille, you know I had pretty big and busy weekend this past weekend and you called me on Sunday?"

"Yes!"

"I never saw that you called. What time did you ring me?"

"At about 4, Carlyle." I said it shaking my head.

"Oh, that's right. I was in a meeting at that time. Still helping out with the church."

"Oh, okay." I didn't know whether to believe it or not, but shit, what could I do about it? But, I had to be more honest.
"Well, Carlyle, it just seemed like you were ignoring me after we made love the way we did. I didn't hear from you and you've been pretty consistent with the texting. I really felt you were ignoring me."

There was a recognizable pain in my voice. And I felt vulnerable letting him hear it come out of me.

"Camille, I really wasn't. I was getting caught up in all the busy-ness of my life this past weekend. Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I just wanted to let you know what was going through my mind, than pretend everything was okay."

Lord, it felt so good to be that honest for once. I couldn't continue pretending like I was okay when I wasn't.

"Okay good. Well, I have to go. I will talk to you later."

***************************************************************************************************

Friday rolled around and I was at Carlyle's house. I knew in how I'd been feeling more emotionally attached that I had to ask him what we were doing. Now, that I knew I wanted more than just moments with him, I realized that's all we really had together. I wanted a commitment.

I would lay in bed thinking and dreaming of him being 'my man' and what it would be like to call him that out loud and have it remain true. Or for him to answer to it. I could barely feel the reality of it as it remained a distant dream in my head. And as soon as I felt that way, I knew that it was the problem.

Sitting in front of Carlyle's fireplace with the smoke and wood blazing, I decided to drink four glasses of the Long Island Iced Tea we had bought again. I had pressured myself to the point of no return in coming over to his house and knowing that by the time I left I would have asked my question, of whether or not he could commit to me. I just didn't know when those words would come out of my mouth, so I figured getting slightly tipsy would do the trick, but instead I got drunk.

I started walking half sideways and laying on the couch with one arm dangling next to floor swinging it back and forth as if I was in high school and this was my first time drunk. I pretended to walk a straight line while the world was sideways and stumbled over my two feet. Until, finally I took off my top which revealed a hot pink sports bra and sat in front of the fireplace, yogini style with my legs crossed over my knees. Carlyle was in the couch next to me talking on the phone, doing business beyond business hours. I hated when he did that. This is our time! I wanted to yell and whine like a child.

After being drunk for nearly an hour, I finally hopped into bed. Carlyle finally finished the conversation up twenty minutes later and joined me. We laid together in the sheets, but he was on his side and I, on mine. I knew I was about to say something as my drunken stupor and weighted thoughts would not allow me to move forward without murmuring what I wanted.

"So, Carlyle, are you my man?"
"Carlyle....are you my man and am I your woman?"

I blurted it out with gurgled words where I know he knew I was drunk.

"Now, Camille, don't you think its a little late for that?!"
I thought to myself. Late for what? Shit, yeah its late. Its late for us to be asking these questions with each other when we've already made love ten thousand times. Hell yeah its late!!

"Late?? Well, are you my man and am I your woman?"

"I'm going to sleep."

"Well, I don't want to keep on asking you and saying these things 5 times and you ask me in the morning what I was talking about."

"Okay, well goodnight, Camille."

Carlyle pacified me. He sounded tired. He had had a long weekend and there I was on a Sunday night wishing for him to claim me. Some nihilisim set in. Like this was always going to be my story. Waiting for a guy to claim me after I'd already shown them what I could give, what I could offer. So, I drifted off asleep too, with the hope that tomorrow would bring a better opportunity and a new page of possibility.

All of Me

It had been two weeks since I had seen or heard from Carlyle. He was getting busy with all of his side businesses that he didn't have time for me. OR he stopped making time for me. I started to withdraw from his grasp and did my own thing. I was getting deeper into my world and enjoying it. There would be weeks that I didn't have one thought of him other than enjoying that I wasn't in a relationship with him, ironically. After seeing the marriage between my parents dissipate after 32 years and my brother in law cheating on my sister last year, my view of relationships and whether I truly wanted one was becoming more confusing. I would waiver back and forth every week about what I wanted. Carlyle gave me enough space to do that, that in seeing him I was still able to see and date myself. It was the first time I was able to be in control of me, not place someone else on a pedastal while dating them and still really be involved in my own life. I loved it. I grew complacent with the way things were coasting for several months.

Carlyle and I finally hung out again after I went out to eat with my family, for my brother's birthday. I was eating sushi anxiously waiting to head to Carlyle's for a tantric dessert.  I called him and he was still up in arms about losing money in his business. I didn't get it. The phone call banter back and forth confused me.

"Camille, I guess you can come over if you want. But I don't know what kind of mood I will be in when you get here. I'm feeling disgruntled and I don't want to be snappy but I might be so..."

"So what are you saying? You want me to come over or you don't?" I questioned.

"Ugh...I just told you WHAT i said!"

I paused. His tone hurt me."Ok Carlyle, so what is the bottom line...you want me to come over or don't you?"

"Gosh Camille, you don't listen I just told you. If you want to come over you can come over but I don't know what kind of mood I will be in."

I grew tired. Quickly. Of this back and forth conversation where I didn't feel he was seeing me or feeling me or even noticed how he was making me feel.

I grew silent with hurt. He was getting impatient with me and it was starting to hurt my feelings that he would talk to me without feeling the energy he was spitting out over the phone into my ear. I took that whole conversation as a no-go to his house and drove home while talking to him on the phone all the way back to my suburb. I made a stop at the grocery store for a late night dessert of brownies and cake.

Why did he have to complicate something so easy?  I thought to myself, good thing this isn't a relationship because I don't know if I could handle the intensity of the communication. With the way things were, too many times we were starting to not see eye-to-eye.

"Where are you now?" he asked.

"I'm at the grocery store getting something sweet."

"Oh, so you decided not to come over...?"

"Well, you didn't exactly say that you wanted me to come over and that whole conversation was confusing me."

"Well, I didn't say that you couldn't but that it was up to you because I might be moody."

"Ok, well I've told you before that I just like your company and I like spending time with you so if you still want me to come over then its a go."

"Well, Camille, its already pretty late...but i guess I'm going to be up for a while anyway."
"Ok well, see you shortly."

It was the longest drive up to his house as there was traffic on one of the main roads there. Taking a detour had me at his house an hour later after we got off the phone.  As I finally arrived in my favorite red dress halter and hair done in a 50s style half pinned up and half down, Carlyle answered the door in his boxers.

"Sorry, sweetheart. It took me an hour to get down here and there was so much traffic on the highway that I had to take a detour that led me to another detour with a main road being blocked off. Anyway, I'm here."

I slipped off my clothes and hopped into bed with him where he laid close next to me. Then with oil next to his bed, I offered to give him a back massage. While pouring the oil on his back, I really got into the moment as I could tell his attitude and aura were all tense. Sliding my hands up and down his upper and lower back, I imagined him catching my good energy, being enlightened, at ease and happy. He reached his left arm back to touch my knee as behind rested on his the back of his thighs and knees were next to his behind. Each time I felt my hands glide across his back down to his behind, so did my breasts.

We didn't have much time. We both had to get up early for different appointments. So, I continued to feel him up and squeezed his behind. Eventually, I finally got off of him and we both turned towards each other. I reached for his lumber and squeezed both his balls and his "person" at the same time. My hands wouldn't stop doing it as he felt ridiculously good in between my fingers and in the palm of my hand. My head found its way to them and I began to enjoy him. His hands rubbed my back and neck and shoulders cautioning me not to stop. Then finally he brought me up to his face where I sat, his tongue went deep inside me that my eyes almost rolled back inside of my head from the exotic pleasure that was so new to me. After minutes of him tasting my insides and licking his lips afterwards, I slid down Carlyle where my body rested on top of his until we connected and grinded into each other. And with each thrust, my upper body hovered over his until my right breast caught his lips and his mouth sucked it as if he were really trying to get milk. I felt soo good I gasped for air and continued to ride him as I sat up.  The bed head had been knocking for a straight two minutes. I barely noticed. Carlyle let out loud moans with breathy gasps. He was staring at me biting my lips with my eyes closed as we loved each other up and down. Finally, as I continued sitting on him, I grabbed his hands and placed them over my breasts while holding his wrists as he clawed at me and then rubbed. I braced myself for the "big O" that headed outside of me. We were still rocking back and forth as I was in cowgirl position on Carlyle. His hands still placed over my breasts as my hands rubbed up and down his forearm.

"Ugh!! You got me."
I had relieved myself and then announced it.
I surrendered to him.
Finally.
He laughed at my comment as though he already knew he had had me.

I laid on top of Carlyle for what seemed like eons, not wanting to let him go as I could feel that oxycontin, the love/sex drug that women released that made them feel attached had been released as a double dosage. I didn't want to let him go.

The morning came somewhat slowly as we had cuddled with each other half the night afterwards and didn't have sex again in the morning like we sometimes would. We just enjoyed each other's affections, silence and gentle caresses. I held Carlyle while he laid on his side. Both of my arms locked in the middle of his chest as I kissed the back of his bare neck and head. I got a whiff of the scent that lingered from him as it continued to arouse me. I had finally had enough of him, but knew that I needed more than great moments with him. After giving him my all. He had all of me. For at least more than a short moment, I knew I wanted all of him. And as we got dressed and he excitingly put on his new clothes to go to a sporting event, I felt he was about to take off with the me he just had.

I watched him from the distance. He was wearing his ego today. I was wearing my consciousness of what I'd just given that I hadn't given Carlyle before. I hadn't trusted him before. There he was all jolly, not thinking twice about the depth of what just happened as his ego got high from my all that he received.

I proceeded to get dressed. He didn't really make breakfast that morning, instead we had Wheaties and milk. When we were both done, he finished getting dressed as I gathered the rest of my things. We hugged politely and he almost forgot to kiss me on the lips intently as he always did before I got into my car. He rushed down to his and I opened my car door to start the car and watched him as he drove off with all of me.

For the rest of the weekend, until the following Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I did not hear from him. And in that time, I had concluded that he had gotten what he wanted from me, but I didn't know if I was ever getting what I now wanted from him... A Relationship.

Captivated Pt. 3

After the movies, it was a beautiful day outside, walking past the water fountains spouting, as parents and kids outside the movie theatre enjoyed getting wet or watching others frolic in the water spouts. 

Carlyle and I made our way back to the car as he sat calling up the mechanics to find out what the conclusion was. I was there every step of the way and Carlyle said he wanted to take me out to lunch or dinner. And he did.

We found ourselves at Silver Diner shortly after Carlyle got off the phone with the mechanics and I could tell he was hurting. Financially and emotionally-- Carlyle was always taking a hit. I wondered what I could do to help out on my end, it felt like I had a magic wand with all the things that were happening for me. As we ordered Carlyle started counting up how much money he had spent on me out loud after I was looking at the menu. I was silent. He had done this before and each time he would do it, it cheapened me. It made me feel mute, and less valuable than what I was and I knew he knew how valuable I was. But in these moments, despite him knowing me and my worth, he devalued me by putting a price tag on all the kind things he had done for me on this day that made me feel worthwhile, appreciated and loved.

And just like that with the few words, "I gotta think about how much money I'm spending. Things are starting to add up, so don't be trying to buy all you can eat."

And in that moment, the magic was gone. Just like that. As if he had taken a pencil eraser and erased all the cosmic moments we shared. I was still silent. I internalized every bit of what he said to me because it hurt. Again. I smiled and pretended to be okay as I played and made faces with the little girl sitting on the other side of our booth. It was becoming more clear to me that Carlyle's bitterness with life was seeping through and contaminating some of the good times spent with me.

We ate in partial silence. But, I could feel him thinking about all of his new car problems and counting up his money in his head. I ordered a meal to go making clear that that check was separate and to go. We finished up and headed to my car where I wished he would drive. We headed back to his place and I played as many of my favorite CDs as possible. He was silent and his mood was easing up as we drove on the highway. He had a headache so I didn't play it too loud but really got in the moment and indulged in the present. Once we arrived, we unloaded the car of all of his tools and I laid down and took care of some business over email on my phone. I let my hair down from the french twist I adored pinning up daily and took out my contacts to wear my glasses. I removed my bra, and shed the skirt I was wearing so that I was only wearing a purple sleeveless halter top. I was comfortable, finally. Carlyle went into his business room to do work on his computer but was quickly getting tired as his eyes were half open staring at the computer screen as I passed by to go to the bathroom.
"Everything okay?" He asked as he saw my skirtless legs pass by him to the bathroom.
"Yes, I'm fine." I scooted into the bathroom about to blush at him caring about me.
After, I was done, I got butterflies at the thought of talking to him with just underwear on and a sleeveless top. I was still embarrassed about my bare body even though he had seen me naked hundreds of times. I still tiptoed around him as if everything were still new. And in some ways, they were. I had never been this real, this open, this forgiving of Carlyle. And never this vulnerable. I hung in the doorway as he asked me if I was okay and I asked him what he was doing.

"I just can't believe how a day of almost doing nothing can make one feel so tired."

"I know right. I feel the same way. I even had to let my hair down. hehe!"

"I'm definitely popping a bottle of wine tonight."

"Mmmhm. I don't blame you." I agreed, already seeing us getting into an exciting night of mischief and pleasure.

We sat at the dining table together as he poured wine in his glass and then mine.

"Life can be so unexpected and so unpredictable. Lets toast to the thrill of the unpredictability of life!"

He clinged my glass in agreement and we proceeded to smoke and drink at the same time, followed by strip poker and me flashing him as he wished me out loud to do. As we drank and smoked more we ate banana bread and vanilla ice cream. Both of us stumbled into the kitchen on separate occasions to fill our guts with orgasmic dessert that only foreshadowed activities we would engage in later. We "oohed" and "aahed" over how good the dessert was while staring at each other and giggling. We ate seconds and piled on scoops of ice cream covering every square inch of the bread. I wanted to enjoy him as much as I enjoyed this dessert.

So, after both of us were steadily sedated from alcohol, I tripped over his foot heading into the living room to turn on some music. He had dropped his pants that revealed he was wearing no underwear and I was immediately turned on at the sight of him and his stuff all out. We were both vulnerable after he made me take off my underwear. I was sitting on the couch turning the music up. He walked over in socks and a t-shirt and began to dance by himself until he made me dance with him. We were a foot apart dancing crooked 'two-steps' and laughing at the fact that we were both a little awkward but grew more comfortable with each other as the music changed. We started to bump and grind and got somewhat erotic and the more free we were with our bodies, the more relaxed we were with each other dancing. Swaying back and forth trying to catch the beat. We had only danced with each other once before this- so it was still new. Carlyle had come up behind me after telling me I danced like a 'white girl', which only made me want to stop. But the chemistry we were sharing urged me not to.

He came up behind me and held onto my hips, dancing with me from behind. My bare bottom could feel his stuff dangling into my crack. I was vulnerable again. I held his hands as they pressed into my pelvis and his warm chest on my back, we continued to grind for minutes that stretched into more minutes. Eventually, he pulled me towards him and made me face him where we kissed and kissed as my hands rubbed his lower back and his hands hugged my waist and moved up and down my behind. I then fell onto the couch facing him where I pleasured him and his balls and his lumber...as I liked to call them. He had stuck them in my mouth and i loved the taste of him, the feel of him, ALL of him. He clobbered onto me as I laid back on his couch and he did the same to me, tasting all of me, sticking his tongue all the way down my canal. My knees started to shake and he had me again. I knew we would do this. We felt the ecstasy of it all and he continued to pleasure me and then we had sex in two positions on the couch and then 3 more after we headed to the bedroom and he just couldn't stop pressing into me while caressing my tits in a way where he had to have me and all of my sex. My knees were pressed on the outside of his ribcage hugging him into me as we rocked back and forth with him on top of me. We did doggie style, missionary with a hint of cowgirl followed by some serious cuddling. Gosh, why did he have to feel so damn good. Right when I was about to disappear from his life again, this would happen. We would do this and fall right back into each other's arms as if neither of us had ever left or betrayed the other. I understood him. He understood me more than I realized.

"God, you just feel so good Camille, You make me not want to come cuz you just feel so good inside."

The admission made me want him even more, but we both had finally climaxed. We continued to cuddle.

I laid in his bed, in his arms wrapped tightly around me from behind, as if he never wanted to let go, pressed over my boobs and us holding hands. We fell asleep together, not realizing that either of us had let go of the other's embrace until the morning. It was the best sleep I had gotten all week. It made me wonder why I had been tossing and turning all the nights before, until i admitted it had alot to do with him and how things didn't feel right between us.

When we woke up, we were at it again. I turned over into him, facing his chest and he pulled me closer. I felt his lumber and balls knock against my groin. His legs were on either side of my head and his balls were dangling in front of my face. I knew 69 was about to go down as he already began to make me quiver and I tasted him lovingly. He turned over and pressed his lumber into me again and continued to have sex as if we were on ecstasy, instead, we were both sober. He stayed inside me as long as possible until he let go. We both hugged each other as he was on top of me. My alarm went off and he rolled off.We'd accepted each other. He had done it again. WE had done it again. Back into each other like bad drugs with healthy, happy endings.

Captivated Pt. 2

I drove Carlyle down to my house. He had all his tools loaded in my backtrunk. We had loaded them together. The more we did activities together, the more we were becoming a team. When we got to the driveway and jumped the car he had purchased, much to my surprise, I became his Mechanic Assistant. With him directing me and motioning me to help with getting different tools as we both crouched on the driveway next to the car attempting surgery on the alternator. After a couple hours, it was a lost cause as the vehicle was too difficult to repair on our own. I then became is secretary as I arranged for a tow truck to come and drag it off the driveway and down to Triple A where a more extensive surgery would be performed.

During that time in waiting on the car to be towed, Carlyle and I went downstairs as my brother and sister in law had just arrived. We both came back upstairs so that everyone was properly introduced and then descended down to my bedroom in the basement. While Carlyle laid his head on my pillows with the TV on, I took a shower and rubbed baby oil all over my body. I wanted to feel more beautiful, clean and smell good around him. I rushed around in just my towel and packed up clothes and things in my backpack while tidying up. All I remembered was him laying in bed observing the details of me, my room and my newly hung "Vision Board" that had all my dreams displayed in picture form of: husband material qualities, a modeling contract, a new car, my own place, my dreams of starting my own training business and being financially stable. I knew he was taking notes of all of it in his silence with me. I felt it.

Just as I was finishing up with primping, Triple A arrived. We headed upstairs and out the door as Carlyle had explained to me that I would have to spend the night at his place again. I had already packed for the next part of the adventure with extra clothes and things. We headed out to the movies after Triple A mounted the car on a flat-bed truck. First, we stopped to get gas where Carlyle had paid and pumped it for me. As we were sitting in the car figuring out where to go next, he suddenly turned my head to his, leaned in and passionately kissed me.

"Thank you for helping me with my car."

I chuckled and blushed. "You're welcome."

He had done exactly what I had wanted, dreamt and manifested for him to do the night before. It seems he got my message. Carlyle and I would continue to do this back and forth, doing things we knew telekinetically that the other wanted. We were spiritually connected, even when things felt scripted. Who was writing the script? Who was carrying it out? It seemed we both were. In that moment when Carlyle kissed me, we both were magical. I knew he had meant to do it with but not without the intention of winning me back into his heart again without fully having me. He wanted to have me only as much as he was willing to give. He wanted my mind first, then my heart, then my body. It seemed we were both getting to have all of that from each other.

Time moved slowly after that. We went to the movies and saw "Iron Man 3". It was good, I was wearing a skirt that he had lifted up on the drive down just to see if I was wearing underwear. We both liked to do unexpected freaky things in public places if the privacy allowed. And at this time, when we sat in the theatre, 2nd from the last row to the top he shared his plans with me.

"Man, I really wanted us to have sex in here. But those people just came in behind us and ruined that whole thing." Carlyle admitted.
"I know right. Why was I thinking the same thing?" I surrendered.

During the movie, Carlyle got a call from Triple A telling him all the problems with the car that was looking like a grand total of 1200 - 2000 dollars. He had walked outside the theater to finish the call and I followed soon after to get the scoop and take a bathroom break.

"Camille?"
"Yes. Carlyle, what's wrong?" I saw his eyes as they were glazed over almost about to tear. I really felt his pain as he was distressed. I knew he felt he really couldn't catch a break. Remembering how he had admitted to me that more money was going out than coming in the night before when we laid in bed together.

"Camille, they are telling me that there's alot of stuff wrong with the car. Alot more than anticipated. This was supposed to be a 400 dollar repair at most and now its gone up to 1200 dollars!!"
I thought he was about to cry as his distress came out in his face in a way that said, Help me!
But he didn't. He didn't look me in the eye. But I saw the real him and how he was vulnerable in front of me. Naked even. I looked at him perplexed and defeat reading on my face that he told me to "Just go to the bathroom." As if he was pardoning me after he felt that I was empathizing with him.

It seemed the more Carlyle denied himself help, the more he needed it and then there I was to his rescue. The way he had been with me.

After him waiting for a phone call at the bottom of the theatre while I watched most of the movie by myself, I felt really bad for offering him the car to buy in the first place. I started feeling partially responsible for orchestrating the sale. Had I known that things would end up this way, I would have never done it. But, all the memories that would happen later on that night would have never been recorded in my mental history had they not. And things would take a turn for the better after so much struggle between the both of us.

Captivated Pt. 1

The day after I told him how I felt he disrespected me at the gym and how i wanted to conclude our relationship together, he called. Although the silence had continued, it wasn't for long. Only 24 hours had gone by before he threw in the towel and gave me a call. It was strange. I could feel that he missed me by how he asked me how I was. I knew he had some idea he was losing me by my disinterest in the phone conversation that he eventually ended on his own.

That was quick. I thought. And why did it seem like more than just a conversation about car parts?
Did he just called to let me know he was getting parts for the car he bought from my brother that needed to be fixed before we got it off the driveway? I knew he called to just hear my voice and see how I was after he told me he couldn't be in a relationship with me. But here we were. On the phone acting non-chalant with each other, but it was me that was non-chalant and it was him still caring after rejecting me again. It didn't make sense. Why put me through hell just to try to still be connected with me again and after blatantly asking for another girl's number in front of my face??? I didn't get it. Quit playing games with my heart!! I wanted to yell it out. But I knew and felt, he loved me. He could not fully let me go, ever.

So, after him buying my brother's car, I was still in contact with Carlyle. I wanted it to be over. He hurt me. Bad. And I desperately wanted to let him go for fear that he would do it again after me loving him so right. He didn't deserve me and I was living it out as I continued to help him. I didn't understand why I felt I should help him as there was still resentment for what he did. I couldn't let it go just yet. But the more and more I helped him and spent time with him in doing so, it grew easier to forget the whole gym fiasco. So we made plans for him to come out either Tuesday or Thursday. He chose Tuesday but never made it out. I doubted him and his word and it just made my thoughts of him more negative. So, I continued to let go.

Wednesday night rolled around, Carlyle called.

"Camille, so I'm thinking I will definitely come over Thursday to work on the car, but what would really make it official is...that i was thinking how about you come over on Wednesday night and drive us both out to your place so I can work on the car. That way, I can load up all my tools and drive it back."

I paused. "So, there isn't anyone else that can take you?"

"No, you know how people are.."

"So Carlyle, you're telling me out of all the people you help no one is willing to drive you out here and drive you back?"

"No, few people want to drive out that far and out that way."

I resigned from being reserved and trying to run from him as it always seemed that the forces of nature would have me back in his arms in seconds as the stories always seem to go. So I let it be. And on Wednesday night, after training clients, I was at Carlyle's house.

He greeted me with a hug, that we typically would save until the end of our time together. He knew I was hurting. Somehow, I was still resisting him and his attempts to appease me.

There I was, sitting reading a book nonchalantly as he worked out in his living room. "The Power of Now" really made me appreciate what I was going through at the time as the resentment from his most recent wrongdoing was starting to intensify in my silence. I could feel him pulling me back into his whirlpool of emotions and life events. He wanted, and in some ways, needed me to help him keep balance, contentment and positivity actively growing in his life. And I felt it. Our spirits were dancing a happy dance around each other and each time Carlyle slipped up, he realized how important I was to him. He saw me and is still seeing me. Very little happened that night. We laid in bed, naked, as usual. It was a ritual I didn't want to give up while around him. He looked around for his back scratcher.

"Where's my back scratcher?"

"Dude, I dunno. Don't ever ask that question again. Please find someone to marry before you turn 75, just so you don't have to ever ask that question again!!"

I chuckled. It was ridiculous that this man was seeming kinda old to me with that question and then turned his shoulder to me.

"Well, you don't think I've noticed you stopped scratching my back!! Well, can you scratch it for me up here, and closer to the right then?"

I scratched, reluctantly. Gosh, he seemed old. But, I loved him. I had him. We both then rolled to opposite sides of the bed. I tossed and turned the whole night anticipating more affection then denying it at the same time and eventually nothing happened but a lot of tossing and turning. We woke up together and he made me breakfast anxiously. I didn't understand why he was so excited to do it. It was the same thing everytime we got together that it didn't make sense to me where all this excitement was coming from and the fact that he made pancakes, my favorite, instead of oatmeal. Like, what was going on??!! Why is he trying after he fucked up?? He confused me and captivated me at the same time with how honest his actions were. At that moment, I dreamt of him really kissing me passionately and unexpectedly. I tried to leave a message with his brain as I stared at his naked body from behind making breakfast. I wished hard on him, that he would feel me, feel my thoughts and do it. I could feel it happening, really happening as I thought it into a reality and let it go.

He then served me. Routinely, we said grace, held hands and ate together as if little had changed.

Reunited (Carlyle)

The night I broke up with Chris, I went to the last bodybuilding show of the year. I had been MIA for a year and enjoyed it. I didn't really miss the sport surprisingly at all. It represented a form of high school to me. Same faces, same stories, same pattern of events behind the scenes that I didn't need to be apart of.

I went to support my friend Sammie who was attempting his first set of shows and I wanted to be there for his last one for the season. Sure enough I saw Carlyle and Trey.  Then Carlyle again. I expected to stay silent and stay in my own world. That didn't happen. About halfway through the show I heard someone yell my name while backstage with Sammie. To my surprise, it was Carlyle. I turned and looked at him for a second and said, "Oh hey." There was no emotion in my voice or face as I felt none. He was the same man but different. He was a little more charming, cordial, flirtatious and polite and still single. He was the same but instead I felt better energy from him.

I found myself feeling good around him in talking to him longer than 5 minutes. I think I brought back memories for him of good times, not-so-good times, intrigue & expectation. I reminded him of the silent past that was so silent and loud at the same time. It was as though we pressed pause just to press play again. We were dancing a tango that could never end if neither one of us stopped it. We exchanged numbers and texts only to trail off and disappear again but not without him inviting me to an event that I somehow found myself at two weeks later after scoffing at the fact that he thought he had a chance.

But here I was after many daydreams and fantasies of the way we were and how he would touch me so right. He was so wrong and so right at the same time for awful reasons. And now, here we were again dancing the same dance. I left with him after the art event. It felt like he was courting me for half the time at the event-- getting me drinks and standing next to me. He was the way he had been in the beginning the first time all over again and I wished it would remain.

After the event ended we went to Silver Diner and caught up. It was a conversation filled with laughter. I was used to seeing him and us in silence. Speaking without words. I didn't remember laughing this much with him as we did that day. We went back to Carlyle's place after and had the quickest sex I think I'd ever had besides my very first time.

When he was sleeping, I got my things and left. I was clearly a body that wasn't getting my end of the pleasure. He apparently hadn't done it for a while because he forgot how to please.

The next morning I texted him that I had left and felt like sleeping in my own bed. He texted back saying he was saddened. Truth was. I felt it. His sadness. We ended up getting together the next night. We drank wine and laid on the couch where the fondling would begin. Lord, he always knew how to touch me right. We had a good time that night and the next morning he cooked me breakfast.

The following weekend I came over again with a mini stash of weed. Carlyle rolled it up and we both smoked and drank and enjoyed ourselves as we very anxiously had the most tantalizing sex on his couch with me sitting and grinding into his lap. I was the most free with myself then with him. The way we gyrated into each other while high on life and weed and each other was the most excited I had ever been with him and the memory would remain. We were upright facing each other and I got a chance to really see him while we were pleasuring each other. I liked the look of satisfaction on his face and knowing that I had some part in it. It really pleased me to really see Carlyle in that moment getting his and mine, ours..together. Sex never felt so much like a drug that night and has been one of the most memorable nights thus far this time around with him. 

The next morning he made breakfast for me again. My car had broken down the night before and he came to my rescue. It felt good that someone-- this someone had my back when I really needed it. He took care of me and tried to figure out what was wrong with my car after we drove together to get anti freeze to run through it. I heard a trickling noise as the anti freeze was being run right through my non-existent pipes onto the ground. We called triple A upon arriving at the scene the next morning of where I left my car and he waited for me until the truck arrived. In that instance, Carlyle was growing into someone I could trust. It was something I had not ever seen happening again after how things ended the first time. It was then that I realized that life is filled with so much bitter and sweet moments and that it typically is not one or the other but a mixture of both. As he waited with me, I thought of the fun night we had together and wondered what I wanted from him and what I could actually get. It didnt matter. Because what he had been to me in that moment all over again was my knight in shining armor and wanted that personality of Carlyle to always remain.

Out there

I laid my cards out. It was the first time I think I've ever done so clearly.  What I felt was confidence, ruthlessness and a strong sense of myself but immediately after I felt fear and doubt when i looked at how things evolved. How unsure and vulnerable i felt in the beginning mixed with someone treating me well but treating me well in a vulnerable state when they knew i was vulnerable.  Its just hard for me to believe that a man, especially an older man didn't know what he was doing in making the moves on me. Ya know?  The part that i feel i might have messed up is when i let him.  Had we really been friends and really taken thing slow where would we, I be right now?



I will admit i treated him as a rebound at first. And the look on his face was sullen after he said the word "Rebound".  I didn't get it.  I didnt get what he had wanted from me and better yet why wouldn't a grown ass man just come out and say so.  Really put it to me frank than excepting any less than what i was giving when i thought it wasn't something he deserved.  Casual sex in exchange for more casual sex?  That's not me. I know i can't last more than two weeks playing that game.



After weeks passed of him treating me well and being giving to me, inviting to me, serving me I can't help but develop warm feelings larger than anyone who i would ever consider a rebound. I don't play people and I couldn't start now knowing its not my ultimate goal in the end.  So, I was honest with myself. I felt this man pulling away from me so i tried to catch up with him and let him know what was casual is becoming more formal, more serious, more meaningful for me. 



I was about to take a big leap of faith. My head was swirling and it was so hard to get the words out of my mouth in chatting with him.  I let him know what was about to happen and paused.



You know you make me nervous. Can i be honest with you? Like really honest"



"Yes."



I've grown fond of you and I want to let you know that I would like to someday exclusively date you...someday. I know I'm about to go on this trip to visit a friend and clear my head but I want to know that when i get back, that you'll still be here. (I didn't realize how friggin sweet that last part sounded until now) I had meant every word and it was so real that i poured a piece of my heart into this man's ears.  I was afraid of how he'd respond...naturally.  And for me, I just always felt rejection was right around the corner and its when you're expecting one thing you tend to get another....



I decided to lay my cards out and just tell you before it was too late.

Bed and Breakfast

Memories of how Carlyle made my birthday weekend a time to remember, I couldn't get over how magical he seemed...the way he felt. He was being uber romantic. I wanted that guy to come out and play ALL the time. We were getting along great. Every weekend we were spending time with each other. He would come over to my house or I would come over to his. We'd go to the movies, or stay in and have glasses of wine, share dessert, cuddle and just chill out and talk about life. It was pretty normal. An element of life I felt had been missing for a while. But my feelings wavered. There were days I didn't want to feel close to Carlyle. Days I wanted to forget he existed because of the vulnerability i felt when around him.  I thought i was in control the more I was less vulnerable but he got me.

This weekend Carlyle came to my house. I almost didn't think that would happen as his schedule was getting so "hectic". It made me wonder if he was mixing business with pleasure at times. And why wouldn't the thought cross a woman's mind knowing what every man's battle is? He would appease me with his random calls late at night to talk about how that massage I gave him made him perform better at work, or how the advice I gave him about life really helped him rethink his path and to cease opportunities as they come. Or how he would catch me off guard while watching me get dressed and say, "Just admiring the view...". Why did men always know the right thing to say at the right time?

So tonight we ate a dinner I made and boy was it good. Who ever knew something as simple as spaghetti and meatballs to taste so delectable. Oooowweee i put both feet in it...and alot of garlic of course!!!! He ate it up quickly and we were headed out to the movies. Seemed like Carlyle had more of a wandering eye as anybody that walked into the theatre seemed to get a glance from him. I often times wondered what he was thinking when his eyes would gaze anyone. He seemed to like to judge outfits and bodies pretty often.

The movie started as the lights dimmed and for an opening night the theatre was mostly empty. Just the way I liked. I started to get cozy and eventually laid my head on Carlyle's shoulder. It felt like the most awkward thing I could have done. He didn't seem to budge or entertain it. It was times like this where I didn't fully understand him. I thought every man loved it when a pretty and young girl would lay her head on their shoulder. Wouldn't that make any man feel like a man? But here he was so stiff and sometimes cold. It was in these moments I disconnected from him. I lifted my head off of his boulder and vowed to never do it again.

The movie turned out to be a good one...a nice typical action/ thriller about saving the United States from foreign terrorism. You know-- the usual headline these days. On that night, Carlyle felt like a platonic friend with the lack of romance, chemistry and good conversation. We had laughed and felt more like buddies and although it laughed there was a silence between us that sometimes grew louder each time we hung out. When we got back to the house, we laid in bed and began to cuddle, he had slowly drifted closer and closer to my body. I liked it and had resolved to letting him make all the moves because I hadn't felt he was so into me that we were connecting as much as we could have. I didn't feel wanted and it always showed in the bedroom. More and more unraveled as we cuddled and spooned graduating into heavy petting and full body massages using our mouths. I always thought he was better at that than I was but the passion was always best communicated between us in the bedroom. It was the most comfortable I ever felt with him was when I was naked. But the most naked I really felt with him was when clothed and sharing my thoughts or feelings. I would keep them hidden and secret as it was what kept me to myself. I was never going to let go of me with anyone and definitely not with him. Carlyle wasn't consistent and was becoming too "busy" and I didn't know what to make of the word and the action of his increasing unavailability. It made me feel insecure. Making love was becoming the only incentive for me sticking around and I knew it and was drawing our time out before I really caught feelings and needed something more than a longtime fling. I knew he was something more at times, but the ball was in his court for being that to me, full time and not half assed. There were times I'd only hear from him on Fridays and that was it. And this weekend wasn't much different from the usual besides him being over at my house.

The night passed by quickly as we did our thing and slept in each other's arms. I got up and made breakfast as he showered and gathered his things to head back to his house to complete some work he had to get done there. I customized his oatmeal with cinnamon, almond milk, raisins the way he did for me so carefully every Saturday or Sunday morning. Then made eggs for the both of us. We sat and ate in silence enjoying the meal and the company. And by the end of it all he thanked me. He always thanked me.
"Thank you. It was good food, good times and great sex. I really enjoyed myself."
"You're welcome. Me too."
It was so simple and sweet and surprising enough to hear those words. I just wish we had more time and told him often. As he drove down the driveway and honked I closed the garage door. The silence became loud again as he drove down my street into the distance.

That night, I laid down in my bed and fell asleep to the scent of Carlyle pressed to my nose and the memory of him laying next to me the night before. Although things could always be better, more romantic and more perfect, the scent of him was a constant reminder of his tenderness underneath his rough exterior that I treasured. Every night that I didn't hear from him that week, I hugged my pillow as the scent and the reality of the moments shared with him entered my mind and carried me to sleep. It was in those moments, that I was loving him.

Blowing out the Candles pt.2

So I headed out to meet Carlyle and the drive seemed to take me longer than expected. Being the typical girl, I had to try out different make-up colors on my eyes, lips and cheeks before I felt I looked perfect enough for my birthday night. Every girl should feel the most beautiful on her birthday if not any other time. The sleeveless white top with black tights and brown knee high boots, appropriately accessorized with a black shiny belt around the waist accentuated hourglass curves and titties that were encased behind a white button down top that begged to escape. Yeah, I felt like a woman donning my typical Snooki hump hair do' and hair halfway down in the back. I felt authentically me. So clearly, I was late....approximately thirty minutes...that Carlyle even texted if I was okay. Ooops. I arrived five minutes later and opened the unlocked front door to greet him in his bedroom with a hug. His eyes lit up as he saw that I really took the time to look beautiful.

"Wow, Camille, you look really good." He couldn't help but say it with a smile. I knew he couldn't wait to unwrap me later.

So we hopped in my car. Carlye was my chaffeur and I was the passenger. Apparently, Carlyle had the whole night planned out in detail. That was unexpected. I thought. Smiling in my passenger seat about how Chris was wrong so far.

First stop, the liquor store. I walked in there like a kid in a candy store. I had never been much of a drinker but enjoyed looking in all the aisles at the various kinds that other people would drink like they knew the difference.

"You look like this is your first time in a liquor store!" Carlyle said half laughing at me. Why did he always have to say shit that was true at the right time?? I couldn't help but giggle to myself afterwards. We finally opted for pre-made Long Island Iced Tea.

Next stop was the Casino as he gave me a list of detailed choices of what we could do. I could tell he had really thought about it in detail. Noted.
Carlyle poured liquor into cups he brought with him so I could get a buzz while he drove. And as we ventured out further towards the casino we had time to talk honestly with liquor in hand and mouth.

"You know Camille, it really baffles me that you would be interested in a guy my age. Like I just can't get over it. And I understand that you probably think I look good because I keep up with my body, but it just really baffles me."

Lord, I was caught off guard. This man just said something real as I'm buzzed and I just smiled and said, "Well, yeah, you do look good for your age and that adds to it. But all the things you do and how chivalrous you are, just make me see you as a real man. These are things a real man to me, should do."

We were at the casino and I reiterated what I had said while trying to walk a straight line, I hugged his arm and shoulder and put my arm through his. Tonight he was mine and I, his.

As we continued inside we were still walking arm in arm until we found a place to eat. Eventually we settled on a seafood restaurant inside the casino where it was so open that you could everyone playing the slots. Carlyle stood on the line after I chose my meal. I reserved us seats on bar stools that looked out into the casino. My mind drifted into how happy I was in that moment and how different Carlyle seemed. He was so tender and so open and was saying things I wanted to hear and that it felt he meant. As I thought about him, I looked back at him waiting in line for our food. He was looking right at me. We both smiled at each other. In the spirit of that moment, Carlyle felt like my husband. There was so much magic in the air, in the way that he gazed at me as if I was the only beautiful woman in the room. That was the first and only time Carlyle ever made me feel this way. The fact that he complimented me was the first time he said anything regarding my appearance in months. And I started to think about what I needed and where things were headed with him, if anywhere as we ate together and people watched.

Somewhere in the conversation these words slipped out from his mouth, "Oh did you get a new boyfriend?" As if to imply that I had another one besides him as we were talking about each other and what we were doing. That threw me for a loop. I should have asked him then what we were doing and if he was my man. But, with my parents separation and becoming uneasy about being locked into a relationship with someone all the possibilities of what could happen scared me. The pain scared me. So instead, I continued to press him about where he wanted his life to go and where mine was going and what I wanted. We were both struggling with life and it was one of the main things we had in common. Hardship. After we got up, we held hands throughout that casino for the rest of our time there. He felt like he was mine and that he adored me. I had never felt like that with him before...and I never wanted to erase the memory--us holding hands, happy with each other. It was something I dreamt about weeks earlier.

We headed back to his place for a special dessert he had planned. ;) And I never forgot how good he made me feel and that the gift he gave me was the memory of having him and him really having me, for one night where we both felt loved.

Blowing out the candles pt. 1

Carlyle seemed disconnected. I was twirling my hair on my lunch break from a new job and couldn't help but let my mind drift off to the scent of him or the way he caressed me. Something always felt magical around him in the most mundane activities. He was becoming an acceptable part of my life as my aversion to commitment was becoming slim-to-none, I realized that our relationship was becoming less of an infatuation and becoming more of a balanced immersion into each other.

My birthday weekend was beginning tonight. I had texted him what I wanted on Wednesday as a matter-of-factly. His ears seemed to perk over text as he decided to call me and get the details of what I wanted to do.
" I'm not really a big birthday person, you know Carlyle. I'm just happy to see another birthday and its 28, not 30."

"Well, Camille - I am just happy that you made it to another year of life and I want to celebrate that with you. Why not do it up and go out and really enjoy it because you're turning another year older!"

And with that, the plans were set. Friday night rolled around as quickly as the conversation on my birthday plans ended and all I wanted to do was get the party started! In the meantime, I called my friend Chris and we got to talking about all the details of Carlyle and I's history. But with each word that Chris uttered to me in being a man with lengthy experience in dating women, playing women, cheating on women, he broke it down to me that the real deal with Carlyle was no deal.  And that the inconsistencies of the past few months resembled someone who wasn't interested in a relationship at all and someone that wanted to play and enjoyed their life as it was -- alone, single and always ready to mingle. Chris's words had cut me. I started to cry and had to get off the phone because I got this instinctual feeling that my birthday night date wasn't going to happen. I was at the kitchen counter staring into the marble countertops letting my mind drift into what I wished would happen. I dreamt of being captivated and doted on....loved. For just this night if I couldn't have that love from him for all nights. I was feeling as though I was letting Carlyle go. I was ready and willing because I could no longer take the confusion.

Then, the phone rang. It was him.

"Hey Camille, I almost thought I wasn't going to be able to make it to take you out tonight. I just got so caught up and busy with work and it was just one thing after another."

I was starting to feel the weight of his excuses weighing on me. There was a sense of relief but another sense that I wasn't worth sacrificing for. I perked up a little still skeptical of what the night could bring.

"Oh yeah. That busy huh. So what time are we trying to meet?"

"How about 9?"

"That works. See you then."

I raced down to my bathroom to do my hair and figure out an outfit to wear. It was surprising to me how much could change in a matter of minutes. One minute I was about to let Carlyle go and the next, I was jumping back on the saddle about to ride out to meet him. One thing I was sure of -- he was always unpredictable.