Lovesick

So much has happened over these last few months.  I never thought that things would get this serious...so intense with Carlyle. But here I am. Mulling over him like some lost puppy.  7 days have never felt soo long. Over the summer, he and I spent alot of time together.  We finally went on a roadtrip to a midwestern state.  He had me walk his dog, that ,of course ended up walking me. It was the perfect postcard moment. I saw his big smile in the rearview mirror as that dog ran behind his truck with me being pulled by her. lol...smh...what a moment. On that trip, I confesssed to him how hurt i had felt about things that had happened. It felt he had invested more in other people than in me and that hurt me to my core.  Man it hurt. I still havent told him all of that completely. I couldn't. I like being as strong as possible around him. We exchanged apologies for doubting or hurting the other.  Then a series of fall outs came.  When he did start to help me with life stuff and getting prepared for jobs and goals I was about to try to take on again, the "rough around the edges Carlyle" came back out. He would yell at me at times and i let him know i couldn't take it. I walked out of his house and to my car pissed. I thought that was the last time i'd deal with him. Then the next day came.  He came up to me at an event and was like, so you're not going to talk to me? I just looked at him. I was upset with how he would scratch his Monet....Me.  I dont know why i still cared. He had made me cry not once, but twice.  But i still cared about him in the silences we had together, in the noise we shared together.  Was this what real love was/is? Or is this what it felt like heading towards it. The making up and falling out and silences and noise. Things not making sense and just wanting to be around that person.  I felt freedom with him. Thats all I've ever wanted in life...and he helped me grab it for myself.  He touched my core in good ways too and I was starting to hit the tip of the iceberg in learning how to love him...with the little hints he placed along the way.  Truth was amidst all of his speculation, he had my heart on lockdown.  If i talked to another guy it was just that, talking.  I couldn't involve my feelings cuz it was just another dude, not my Carlyle in his tender silences. I missed him and craved him in his absence. The next time he goes on vacation, I want to go with him.