Always be LA in my Heart

After a year and a half of journeying out of my comfort zone away from where I partially grew up, I left. I lfet with 500$ in my pocket and two suitcases in my backtrunk.

My last destination was LA after stopping in Las Vegas for several months. It didn't work out because Iwas never able to find a job as a super-waitress or a super-bartender; I had just gotten my certification 6 months prior. No one would hire me. I had bouts of being a babysitter and that became my main gig when it wasn't a main gig. It was a weekend gig. Vegas was the best place to scrape by on simply because it was a dirt cheap place. Even with that said, I someone managed to pay for things in my $140 week commission or my $140 a week in babysitting or less. Naturally, I cut meat out of my diet because it was expensive and something told me it wasn't good for me any longer and I came to learn how eating dead animals increases the fear in your spirit. So, why buy it? I became a part time vegan/part time vegetarian (i didnt eat dairy besides eggs and butter). After letting my new boyfriend stay with me longer than I had planned, it was definitely time to leave my friend's house who I was paying rent to and I could no longer make. So, I packed up my stuff one day and that same day my friend/landlord stopped by and I let him know that I was leaving and he let me know that I was leaving. It was probably the most redundant conversation I had ever had.

"Kristen, you have to leave."

"Adam, I just said that. I'm leaving. I'm just getting my food out the fridge now. All my other stuff is in my car."

He stood there surprised. His mouth dropped open. It was not a shining moment but we both definitely played a part in this situation occurring but I had covered my ass from the beginning letting him know that I can only pay rent after I get a job. Sure enough, the jobs I was blessed with was one part time and the other ones I applied for that were full-time I clearly never got. So, after an early morning conversation with my ex-friend and ex-landlord J and I made the trip onto Oakland. J, my boyfriend at the time had a job he had left unofficially there that we drove to so he could continue working as security at this popular nightclub. I, on the other hand spent alot of my time interviewing to be a nanny where the pay in San Francisco area and Oakland was anywhere from $21 - $30 per hour. It was a jackpot that I figured to be pricing that should really be made nationwide and especially on the East Coast. Nannying is indeed worth $21-$30 per hour. We're taking care of other's little treasures and treating them as our own children. I took interview after interview and made money on the side as a babysitter with this legitimate company and it was indeed a step up from what I was making in Vegas. In the meantime, because of the competitive nature of the San Francisco area, in the six weeks we were there, we were never able to find a place to stay. We saved up several hundreds of dollars and got assistance from J's parents and one day we were stopped by the police. And on that fateful night when they demanded to search our car and searched us on a curb in Berkeley, California late one night after 10pm they stole $800 from us. We had counted the money before they stopped us and we definitely counted it after. J, almost had a heart attack saying how this is America and this isn't supposed to happen here. I almost laughed maniacally at how insane that thought was. I knew better and experienced the worst sides of this country as a child to ever say or think such a thing. Bad stuff happens everywhere ALL the time. Just about every other night that we lived in my car the police would come rapping and tapping on our windows asking us a bunch of crazy ass questions. Since when, is it against the law to sleep in your car? Especially in public, not private parking lots? I remember asking an officer one time what the offense was that I was committing in the driver's seat. They responded after fumbling around and stumbling over their words..."oh ummm camping!" You can't camp. I almost burst out laughing. The bullshit people come up with after trying to camoflage that some bigoted ignorant person probably called after spying on their community that there were two people sleeping in their car across the street from them, situated in the beach parking area which is PUBLIC parking. After so many not so great police incidences and especially where our money was stolen by them after we told them we were homeless was not a shocker but a trauma. 

After that J pressured me to call my parents. I hadn't called and asked them for anything in a year. That was the purpose of my trip and I planned on suffering out of my situation without any help. Eventually, after I knew I was never going to sleep peacefully in my car again after that moment (but later on, I definitely did) I humbled myself, told them the situation and called them. The thing I think about every time I ask for help is how this moment will come back and bite me in my ass at a future date. One thing I often notice about other people is, they don't know how to give truly. I give and make sure I forget about it. If God wanted me to do it, it ain't me doing it, its the Most High. Thank Him. Its not for me to take so much credit for all the things to do, but if anyone has any doubts perhaps that's the time I will speak up in defense of myself. No one needs to know about my good deeds. That truly takes away from the act when you brag about it or remind people of what you did for them...is it really that authentic now that you've used it as a ransom on someone else?  Anyway, I could already foresee the repercussions from asking anyone for anything. Chances are that person will eventually do something crazy to you that you can't live with and if you decide to call them out because you're tired of being used, abused or otherwise they will bring up the time they helped you like they were your Savior and could never be anything other than that. Just a heads up for anyone that asks for help from another. Not everyone is like this, but choose and make your decisions wisely if you don't want headaches later. One thing I find is, if I fully depend on myself I have fewer headaches that have anything to do with others. I foresee everything being thrown back in my face at some time or another. So, best to do your best always so that you have to depend on no one without selling your soul to the world. This, in itself can be the hardest thing ever to do, but it doesn't have to be. So I asked for help. Got it for the time being and as soon as I got a job and a place I paid as much as I could for everything when we moved from San Fran/Oakland to LA. A good friend of mine's girlfriend was subletting her apartment to me and suddenly many things fell together.  I ended up getting a job as a Physical Therapy Aide at a world renowned studio and for the first two months there, things were okay. Until J's rage started flaring up more and more. I gave him the ultimatum that he would be homeless if he continued treating me crazy and me and everyone else involved had an intervention with him and how he could not be in this apartment and treat me crazy. My father thought he was abusing me. And perhaps he was psychologically and verbally and emotionally. And yet, to this day, as damaging as that situation could have been, there was so much I learned from him; how to be, how not ever to be, how to be more considerate, how to be more aware, how the world around me operates scientifically, how to ease physical pain through yourself, your mind and your body. There was so much valuable information he blessed me with, that although he terrorized me for a time being, I still see how much he helped me with understanding my insides and how I operate biologically. Needless to say, after a couple more blow ups and him not changing his speech and treatment of me, we went our separate ways. I came back into righteousness and started following my ten commandments and learning who I actually am for the second time in life my beliefs that are knowingness found me again in a house J and I were living in in gentrified Compton, LA. After "coming into the truth" a series of things happened that I was warned would happen once I came back to definitive righteousness. I was told I would have a bad month where I would lose everything. You see, when your soul is lost to things, there is indeed a price for getting it back. And according to the Bible, "NO man can save another man's soul, not even for a ransom." So, what does that mean? That means YOU do the work of paying for your own soul. NO ONE else. I learned this in Compton, because there were a few people in the house that I was living with that reminded me of my original journey where I had encountered this same pathway years ago when I was 21 in finding out my true identity. But I had let it go, because I saw some of the people as hypocrites that practiced this way of life and being, not a belief, but a knowingness and a way of being and left after being confused by the one person showing me truths but was not living them. So, after being approached with one question that I used to ask other people about their true identity, not religion, but identity I realized the Most High was trying to speak to me directly. Sure enough, when I started reading my Bible for what it was and discerning the lies and truths inside of it. Not everything is true when its written by the hands of man. That's for sure. My spirit awakened and I started discerning better. But as soon as I gained that gift of truth and understanding I started to lose all the blessings that Satan/wickedness/darkness/the "other team" gave me. I had a bad month financially, my car had work that needed to be done, i lost client sessions at work, broke up with J, lost my second job from the lady that was a pagan and became homeless again after J threatened to get a restraining order against me because I wanted to get my stuff back and my neighbor in the house we were all living in was willing to fight him for it. I did not tell her to do any of that. I wanted to give my stuff to her because there was no way I could live in my car with a mini fridge in the backtrunk. LOL. This was that month of being tested back into the truth and paying for my soul. The payment did not end there. You see, whenever you do anything wrong, you owe a payment for that thing you did wrong. So life repays you, the Most High repays you and without that way everyone would continue doing wrong. So after I lost all this stuff, I gained spiritual protection. Meaning that, when I was getting speeding tickets before and parking tickets, I no longer got any. When I was sleeping in my car in LA where essentially I slept in the early morning, never at night, no cop ever bothered me again. It was like I gained some kind of Most High magic. But, He had to bring me low so I would always stay His worker. So during a month of living in my car in LA. It was scary, but I figured out ways to not ever be scared and came up with a schedule for me to sleep and still do my work effectively. I showered at my job, would find random places and things  to go after work and then would hang out a variety of places until early morning when people would be up again so I wouldn't be in compromising positions. Many people would jump off roofs of buildings, check themselves into mental institutions and do crazy things in times of struggle that kept happening to them but truthfully, after leaving J, I spent alot of time outside in the sun, meditating, praying, reading all of my sacred texts and it was the happiest I know I've ever been in my life. There are many times now, that I look back to that time in my life and it feels like a dream. It feels so surreal now when looking back until I made a trip back to the park i spent so much time in finding the Most High and myself again. I came back home after that, to partially lose myself again simply because I lost alot of my daily purpose but I never lost the Most High again and my true self. I was the happiest in LA because I found my way out of darkness. The Most High led me there and I am forever grateful for what He showed me. There was nothing that existed inside or outside of me in my sight but beauty. And for the first time in my life I found heaven on Earth. ALL praises to my Most High.

My Montana Pt. 4

"Michael, i have a few things to talk to you about. First, how can you accurately observe me if you are at work from 8 to 5 pm daily? I don't think its fair for you to judge how long it should take me to start a business in a town I have spent a week in. Furthermore, you never ask me how I'm doing, what I'm doing or how I am settling in here. I think its rather unfair for you to come at me the way you did. And, the way you and I live here is like we are strangers. Everyone keeps reminding me that we have been friends for eight years but honestly it feels like we are roommates. Not friends. Did you think I came all the way out here, drove 32 hours just so i could have a place to stay and a job opportunity?! Part of the reason why i came out her was to reconnect with you as friends, as whatever! And you and I have not done one thing together as friends. I have asked you to do things with me and you always say no."

"Well Kristen, I haven't really wanted to go out and do anything and the river floating activity we were going to do didn't happen last week because no one wanted to go. I told you the last time we saw each other last year how i felt about you and I in a relationship. And if I'm not bringing that up directly then its not where my head is at."

"Okay...."

"When you wear your nightgown yeah my mind starts to wander and go other places. When you talk about shaving, yeah my mind starts go a little crazy. But, I haven't said anything directly about you and I."

I was still confused but I didn't provoke any more conversation about any of the topics presented. I realized that Michael was a little too emotionally stupid to comprehend exactly what I was saying. And he was too emotionally inept to be direct about how he really felt about me. Neither one of us was trying to be vulnerable.

That night I ended up doing my own thing and he ended up "doing him."

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The next morning, Michael had put together a group to go river floating for hours. He had gotten all the materials needed and a group of 5 girls and 5 guys. We took to the road to head out to the river to float and go cliff jumping. When we arrived, I ended up meeting everyone on the trip while Michael helped out the girls drive their car to the end of the river where we would dock and drive our cars back to the beginning and then go home.

We all got a little buzz from the alcohol served and started to get to know each other before we put on our vests and hopped into the rafts. I paddled the water hard as everyone was laughing and joking and having a good time. I was enjoying myself out on the open river as we sailed for hours and then some of us got out of the raft to swim. The guys were making fun of each other and splashing the girls that didn't want to get wet. We stopped at a sandbank and skipped rocks for a while and then the girls came up to me and talked to me about whether Michael and I were an item. I stayed pretty silent about it and let others make their assumptions that I knew little about. I honestly couldn't tell if he liked me or not. And was making sure I cared little about that as I knew how expectations of others could jeopardize any good experience if based only on others involved. I remained silent.

As we continued to sail we finally reached the spot where we all decided to cliff jump off a cliff into the river. As i climbed up the large hill to the top Michael incessantly called my name so we could jump together. "Kristen, Kristen!! Come over here!!!"

"I'm coming, i'm coming." I murmured back.

We were the first two to hold hands and jump off the cliff into the water. I screamed the whole way down and he grabbed me after i emerged out of the water and gasped for air as water had filled my lungs.

"Did you have your mouth open girl?" "Put your knees to your chest. Are you knees to your chest?"

They weren't and then i had no choice but to put them there so i could breathe.

That was the first and only time Michael and I had done anything sincerely together. But i felt odd that i had to ask someone who i thought respected me to do that much in the first place.

After he took turns holding hands with everyone and jumping we got in the raft and began to float again to the end of the journey to where the other cars were parked.

We all decided we would meet up later on to cook out and drink and smoke hookah and play cards.
Tiffany who had ridden down with us starting to bond with Michael in the car as they spoke about black and white racial issues. I refused to join as it was a repetitive topic with Michael for years now and it was becoming a boring one as I had heard it all before.

Tiffany and Michael continued to bond on that note and had reached a common ground. I liked Tiffany as she was nice, somewhat introverted, spoke her mind and seemed like a down-to-earth kind of girl. We dropped off Tiffany and Michael said that we would pick her up later for the cook out. After showering, I decided that I would drive us all to Michael's friend's house for the cook out festivities.

We all stopped at Albertsons first to pick up some more food items to put on the grill and to make. Tiffany grabbed a few things and so did Michael. When we got to Lenny's house for the cookout I started to play cards with the girls and sip on a drink.  Michael and Tiffany were seasoning meat together like high school sweethearts. I didn't let it bother me as I was confused as to who Michael was to me in the first place. I got so tipsy that i had Michael season the veggies that i had bought. Eventually after the food took 3 hours to cook people left and then there were only four of us. Michael, Tiffany, Lenny and me.

"So Kristen, what's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

"Wait, wait, wait, we are going to go around the table an ask everyone what the craziest thing everyone has done."

Tiffany had made out with a girl.

I said something about doing a drive by past a guy's house that i was in love with but had ended things with.

Lenny said something about having sex with his wife while in a company car.

And Michael told us all about how he had almost had a foursome with 3 ladies; a mom, a daughter and the daughter's friend. But he claimed he couldn't after the mom walked in and took off all of her clothes and wanted to join on the sexual escapade and said he ran out of the room.

My idea of Michael quickly changed to someone who was dirty, unclean and not the person who i had read bible verses with at 2am in the morning. The real him was slowly but surely starting to emerge and only time would tell, if coming to Montana was a mistake.

My Montana Pt. 3

Michael's birthday had recently past and I asked him if he wanted to go out and celebrate. He incessantly said "no". I sincerely wanted to reconnect with my friend whom I hadn't seen in over a year and each time I invited him to do an activity with me, it was met with a "no". I soon gave up as I began to notice he was cold towards me. We didn't make much conversation, we didn't do any activities together, even when we went to the gym together he was on the opposite side of the gym doing his own thing. I tried to be polite and friendly and soon grew to accept that perhaps we weren't as close as I had originally thought. He was on his phone 24/7, texting or talking while ignoring me and my presence.  The only time he noticed me was when he was talking about health, his plants or gossiping about other people.

Everyday, we were relentlessly at Miss Chriss's house, eating dinner, talking or debating about what other people had said about something he disagreed with. I realized I was constantly in the midst of a battlefield that Michael created.

Every night as I slept in his bed, and he slept on his couch I was reminded of how Carlyle loved me, would make love to me and how affectionately he would hug and kiss me. I missed him. And although, I knew he wasn't the best for me, I craved the love and care he gave me. I had let him go.

I still tried to be kind to him and decided to get him a birthday gift. It was a card that said, "God gave a gift to this world when he decided to create You!" It was the sweetest card I think I had given anyone in a long time. And then a book called "Angels Among Us".  I cooked a Vegan Banana Bread that was so moist it melted in your mouth.  But when i brought it over to Miss Chriss's house for everyone to eat, Michael didn't have a piece. While everyone expressed over and over how tasty it was, he said nothing. I was starting to see that the friend I thought I once had was more of an acquaintance because of the lack of interest he had in me as a person and the lack of communication. But still, later on that night I decided to finally give him the book and card I had gotten him. So, when we were both winding down, I brushing my teeth and he cleaning up the kitchen, I came out of his room and handed him the book and card. "By the way, this is for you". He looked surprised and took the book and the card from my hand and went towards the kitchen to read it in silence.

As I laid in bed, he came back to my room (which was his room) and asked if I could read the note I wrote in the book I gave him. I read the note carefully and sweetly and then asked him if he wanted to read one of the stories in the "Chicken Soup for the Soul:Angels Among Us" book. I read the book carefully as he laid next to me gazing at me reading one of the stories tenderly. And when it was over we chatted about encounters with angels and other things before he made his way to his bed on the couch. It was the first time since I had been there that we had truly connected.  Another night, we watched a movie together on the couch and ate french fries. But that was as close to true friendship we had gotten. The other days spent with him there we were like strangers. He never spoke to me or asked me how my day was, or what i did throughout the day or how I was settling. He stayed up late talking/murmuring on the phone to friends into the wee hours of the morning and did his own thing. I felt like we were roommates. I decided after celebrating my week in Great Falls at On The Border that I would take myself out to the mall and go shopping...even if it was window shopping. I blew off Miss Chriss and her repeated calls and decided to take a "Me" day. Michael called me and I returned his call later after ignoring him to celebrate me. When i finally got to his place he said he wanted to "talk". I assumed it had everything to do with what I was doing with Miss Chriss business-wise and any future plans for me staying at his place or hers.

"Kristen, so i have been observing you this past week and I want to know why you think I asked you to come here?"

"Ummm, to help Miss Chriss out with her business?"

"Yeah so its been a week, and what have you guys done?"

"Umm, i have been helping her everyday with her business."

"Well what have you done to create a business underneath hers? Have you gone up to the college gym to see if you could put up flyers? Have you visited any of the places she took you so you could set up your personal training?"

"Michael, you don't start a business in a week. Thats not how it goes. Furthermore, I need quick cash to pay my bills and starting up a personal training business takes time. You don't start a business overnight."

"Well, okay Kristen, but has Miss Chriss talked to you about payment to help her with her business?"
"Well I don't think she's trying to pay me because she said she would rather keep that money to herself than have to spend money on paying someone else to do the work she has."

"Well you guys need to talk to find out what is going on. It seems like Miss Chriss may have other ideas for you and ya'll don't sound on the same page."

"Well, yeah i agree. I will talk to her. I have to talk to her sometime before her surgery so I will talk to her soon."

"Okay." Michael concluded.

I had a hard time stomaching the conversation as it seemed as though Michael had had other plans for me on a different timeline that I had no idea about. The whole conversation gave me a weird feeling and a bad taste in my mouth. I thought to myself "How could Michael be observing what I have been doing if he is gone from 8 - 5 pm daily and why was this the first real conversation we were having in two weeks?"

I went out for a little while and came back later after grabbing something to eat. My mind was clear. I had told Miss Chriss that i would let her know when I'd be staying with her as it was part of Michael's plan to "dump" me at her place. I finally was able to speak up and state what was on my mind confidently after realizing that him inviting me to stay with him had very little to do with helping me and every bit of it was to help himself and Miss Chriss.

My Montana pt. 2

Michael glared at me and then smiled after I said "Hi!"

I blushed and smiled back.

"So hey! Thank you!!" I said to everything he had offered to me and for caring.

We sheepishly hugged. And continued to make small talk.  There was an air of attraction and awkwardness between us both. Then things grew silent until we got to Miss Chriss's house. I had driven my car behind Michael's to follow him to her house where she was making a welcome meal for all of us celebrating the end of my journey and new life in Montana.

Mr. Harold, Miss Chriss's business partner, a Haitian man with a thick accent sat at the table with us and started asking Michael and I questions on how we were friends "for 8 years and you both aren't married?"

Michael and I blushed. Mr. Harold continued to ask me questions on if I was attracted to Michael and if he had qualities that I liked. I smiled and looked over at Michael and said, "Yes, there are a number of qualities he has that I like about him."

Michael remained conveniently silent.

"Mr. Harold, are you married?" I shot back.

"I'm married to Michael", Mr. Harold said avoiding the question.

Meanwhile, Miss Chriss was in the kitchen cooking food and then Michael soon came in to help her finish sauteeing the meal.  My mind started to drift off to what I would be doing in the town and what would happen in the coming days. I wasn't exactly sure of what I would be doing but resigned to going with the flow of things and figuring out what my next job would be.
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Miss Chriss called me daily for help with her business or to go out with her to the food store, to the farmer's market, to her shop that she had open. Wherever and whenever she called me, I answered to help her with her business as I had promised.  After all, her surgery was coming up soon and I was here to help her with her business. So, i helped her with her storage, with making bouquets of flowers, with cooking dinner, with ideas of how to add me into her business in visiting different places for us to have personal training bootcamps or exercise classes. Everyday it was something new and I made myself available to her.

Meanwhile, I was staying at Michael's house and he was always in some kind of negative mood, in the middle of conflict or debating with someone or just would ignore me. I was unsure of what I was to him-- if I were still his friend at minimum or a lover. So, while he was upstairs getting something and I was waiting in his car, I looked in his glove compartment to see if he had "emergency condoms" like the last two guys I had dated had purposely put in there, "just in case". Sure enough, as soon as I got the glove compartment open it would not shut back.  There I was trying to push it up and down and it would not lock. Soon enough, Michael came running down the stairs and saw the mishap. "So, did you open this or did it fall open?" I nodded and said "Yeah". He said "So you opened it?"

I smiled and said "Yeah." "I was looking to see if you had any emergency condoms." I giggled.

Sure enough, Michael got quiet and didn't find it amusing. We continued in silence for the rest of the drive to Miss Chriss's house and I felt embarrassed and awkward that I was so honest. But I knew, I'd rather be honest than lie about something so sensitive. But, i figured, like the last time I visited Michael and he let me stay at his place, perhaps he wanted something in return if I could not pay him money for staying at his place. He was a man, he had his motivations and we were just friends...or so I thought.

When You're Lost....My Montana

So he said, "What's holding you there, in VA? Nothing, right?"

I said, "Well, yeah. Nothing."

"Kristen, come out here and stay with me. I know a lady that has opportunities for you to work with her and eventually, you could get your personal training business up and running under her. She does massage therapy and teaches the course, so you could take her class and learn how to do it yourself and work for her."

Little did I know, that wasn't the full story.

So after realizing that nothing was really holding me in Virginia and not being that close to my family I decided to head out to Montana. I knew it would be a stop on my journey to L.A. to be with my best friend. I knew that my calling was no longer here, in the suburbs of Virginia...and with all the family issues, the job issues, the personal life issues, I figured I could use a brand new start. Michael, my friend of 8 years had offered his home to me and I had accepted.

After resigning my last job where they were paying the other employees my commission, I decided to leave sooner than planned and with only a few hundred dollars saved. I visited all family members before I left and embarked on the 32-hour trip with two suitcases of clothes in my back trunk and various of random belongings including a pillow and blanket from home.

The first day of driving was nine hours that were relatively uneventful, thank goodness! I had enough time to reflect on what I was doing and what I was hoping to find. I quickly realized that what I was doing was based largely on the feeling that I was needed somewhere else more than the place I considered home for 14 years. It was the longest time I had spent in any one place in all my life. I was ready for an adventure. I was ready to let go of all the things that were holding me back from truly living. I was fearless. I had a little bit of money, some willpower and alot of ambition for the life I could have instead of the life I was living where i was struggling just to make ends meet.

I continued the rest of my journey rather smoothly through Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota, North Dakota and finally Montana. It was just as beautiful as it was three years prior and it was the last vacation i had taken anywhere. I was going "with the flow of energy." I made sure I had few attachments to things or people while loving them both.

After my arrival and being without service for the last 7 hours from North Dakota all the way to Great Falls I could not call anyone or text anyone that I had safely arrived. After the run-around to finding telephone service and getting a new phone, service and new number I was finally able to contact Michael that I had arrived. It had been two hours since I had arrived and I was stuck at Wal-Mart after getting lost with the address Michael had given me to his place.

I couldn't wait to call and text ALL those friends and family who had been with me virtually on the journey and after traveling for 32 hours alone, 3 days and 2 nights to be exact I was anxious for face-to-face human interaction. So, I quickly called Michael to meet me at Wal-Mart, then my best friend, then my mom who I had lost connection with since North Dakota. I was excited that I had made it all by myself.

I immediately remembered the last time I was here, in Montana. The fun times I had had with my friend. The outdoor adventures we had, the beautiful waterfall and hikes we made together. We had had fun. The drunken night with endless glasses of Sangria. It made me wonder how he had truly been in the Air Force. He was handsome and the kind of guy that seemed like a protector...like he would have my back when the unsuspected happened. I trusted him. As my mind drifted back to reality, I saw Michael's car drive up to me in front of the Wal-Mart and was quickly reminded of how handsome he was.

My Words Pt. 1

We got up late the next morning to head back home after the late night eating pizza and chatting and the night of cuddling. We got our things ready to leave and tried to grab some breakfast but every IHOP was packed as it was Sunday morning. So, we just began our 8 hour trek back home. But as fate would have it, not without a few tongue fights and harsh arguments between Carlyle and I. The tension had really built up. He and I were really feeling the distance in physical, emotional and sexual intimacy. He was hurt by losing yesterday and I was hurt by him not ever appreciating me or saying 'thank you'. We argued hard about stupid things for about five minutes. At the gas station, Lisa hugged me.

"I know this is not who you are. You're hurting, aren't you?"

"Yeah. And all this would have been cleared up this morning, if you get what I'm saying."

But I quickly realized that sex should never be a resolve to any problem other than the lack of physical intimacy and there are other ways two people can show love to one another. What I needed was his affection and what Carlyle needed was my acceptance.

We rode the last few hours in silence. Lisa had fallen asleep and I was extremely quiet and pensive as I looked out the window wondering if I should quit the sport or do another show.

Carlyle looked at me solemnly. "So, are you going to do another show?" He seemed to ask it really caring about me.

"Yeah. I think I'm going to finish what I started."

"Are you going to do another one?" I asked back.

"Yeah, I'm just going to make sure I'm really ready for the next one."

I felt him on that. I didn't want to see him this hurt again. It was painful for me to see him go through that and not be able to do anything but try to comfort him through hugs, kisses or cuddles. :)

We finally arrived at our destination and Lisa and I and Carlyle all went our separate ways after we reached Carlyle's house.  Lisa left first and we exchanged hugs. Then Carlyle and I looked at each other for a minute and I hugged him as I told him how "proud of him" I was.

As I drove home, I started to feel hurt by the silence and all the words we didn't say. So much had happened and my feelings weren't acknowledged, all the things I had done were not appreciated; the driving down most of the way to the competition, the reserving of the hotel room, paying for the gas, etc. I loved Carlyle so much and the one thing I really wanted him to do was to see me, appreciate me, be openly affectionate with me, love me back through words and actions and to make love to me passionately and most of all, for him to understand how valuable I am and the things (listed above) that I deserve from the man that I love. I could feel it coming...soon. We were becoming more and more naked in front of each other. The less he would speak, the more I would reveal my true feelings and I was coming hard with the truth of how I felt.

The next day came and I still felt shitty about Carlyle's lack of showing his care for me. I sauntered into work trying to pretend that I wasn't hurt, but I was. I texted Carlyle that we needed to talk. He texted back that he would get back to me. On that following Monday night we had a conversation neither one of us would ever forget.

Come Into Me Pt. 5

I made it down to the hotel after Carlyle gave me the wrong directions. smh. They were all eating pizza when I got there and filled me in on the activities they just got done with in the hotel. LeeAnn was auditioning for a play and Bill had shown Carlyle the gym where they saw competitors  from the show working out. Yuup, some of these fitness  addicts were indeed crazy I thought to myself.

Carlyle gave me the menu for me to order my very own pizza. He took care of me and the pizza I put together was very tasty. Then he paid by the end of it all. We chatted and talked about the show and I could tell Carlyle was hurt by his placing. He was sitting quietly to my left as I had my hand on the back of his chair. I loved him more than ever in that moment. It was a moment of vulnerability and a moment of weakness I had never seen Carlyle in before. He was so emotionally raw and naked. It made him pure to be real with his emotions than let his ego cover it up.

"Camille, how did you feel about your placement?" LeeAnn asked interrogatingly.

"Well, I was shocked and disappointed at first but then it wore off."

"No, Camille, how did it really make you feel? Like for example, when Carlyle got 7th, I felt hurt for him. Because I know how much hard work he put into this show and he really worked hard."

I immediately felt bad for Carlyle too. But I didn't want to add to his pain with my pity. So I thought about how I really felt some more and then realized something more important.

"Well, I was a little hurt, but this is my first pro show and I was just shocked and bit disappointed for the first 5 minutes and then..."

"You weren't more hurt?" LeeAnn cut me off. She further explained that whenever she did worse than she expected she felt bad and that she needed to work harder in the gym and avenge her last placement. But, she had rarely ever taken any less than first place.

Meanwhile, I thought to myself, well, I had already won because after all the bullshit, the moodiness, the arguments and the madness between Carlyle and I the night before, in bed, we still held each other's hands and he squeezed mine and I squeezed his for hours. And it was the love and the affection from him that I had been craving for so long that the next day when I lost onstage, I felt like I was winning in my life and nothing else mattered.  That's what I wish Carlyle would have understood, but his ego was ruling him. And someday while I'm around and with him and he's in love with me, his spirit will be in charge and he would have learned what the most important thing in life is, that isn't a thing at all; Love.

***
We left the bar full and satisfied with the meal. I walked Carlyle to my car and drove us both back to the hotel. He seemed drained. When we arrived we both looked up at the stars outside. They were beautiful. "I'm too tired to even look at them!" Carlyle exclaimed even though he was the first to point them out.

I shook my head. "Wow, that's soo romantic of you." I responded sarcastically.

We headed into the hotel and laid down. Lisa was already halfway asleep and Carlyle drifted off slowly but was half-listening to Lisa and I's conversation as he shifted left and right in bed and would peek over at us in mid-conversation. Minutes later, we all drifted to sleep. And I rolled over and held my husband the whole night with Lisa sound asleep on the cot. I didn't care. I was still in love and so was he.